Procrastination at its best...

So I used to belong to Xanga. I loved that site. It was peaceful and unknown. As for it now. TOILET WATER! I messed up my page and am OCD when it comes to that sort of thing.

Frustrated by the friends these days. We were suppose to leave this morning at 530am now as I lie here before 7am I wonder if that will ever happen. Roadtrip with the lady friend. She is driving back to Las Vegas since I am stuck in AZ this week so I thought I would catch a ride and make it in town early before my flight would have arrived to perhaps surprise everyone. Doubt it will be early at this point.

OH what a FRIDAY and it is not even 8am yet...

My Daily Goods

CURRENT STATUS... early morning frustration...

LATELY I AM THINKING... Do I have a gift, a curse, or am I completely insane?

SHOUT OUT TO... my friends who have passed... RIP!

THE SOAPBOX... "People Forget how fast you did something, but they remember how well it was done."

Making sense of it all

I used to write my dreams, thoughts, and moments down in a book. This book is warped from the amount of tears that have been passed in the process. This book is a collection of letters to him. Perhaps I should continue or start again, or maybe that is why I have a blog on almost every blogger site I come across. It is an escape from those that know me, reality or even the past. Strange to write the most intimate details of your day on a website that may be accessed by anyone. I guess if they think I am nuts then they do not have to read. If only they do not know who I am, it shall not matter. Then I better keep those I know, away from these words.

The other day he came while I was driving. He kissed my forehead and said I will be back. Strange how that sounds so weird. My boyfriend who died kissed my forehead. It did not make any sense until I was telling my roommate about the last time I saw his face, and I told him you better never leave me without ever saying goodbye or kissing my face like it will be the last time you ever do. Then he kissed my forehead and grabbed me in his arms. I guess that made sense at that moment. I did not understand where he was going, but he did come back sooner than I thought. Assuming since it was the day after mother's day his mother must have needed him more at that moment than I did.

Last night I saw a man standing in a military outfit. I broke down, for why I have no idea. I stopped breathing and could feel my insides shaking. It was almost as if I was crying like I did the day he died. I realize how much I miss him when I sit alone in a quiet room.

Last week I had a dream that he was here. Not as in the sense that he is here everyday, more like he was alive. He could not remember anything, yet to him I was familiar. He spoke of times I do not recall. Another life as he liked to think when he was alive. A past life together where perhaps we were together for longer than a moment. He knew me when everyone else was strange. I do not know what that meant. Well I know that it means that I miss him, and assuming somewhere deep within I want him to be alive or have not accepted that he has died. Death seems to linger close these days or I am completely insane.

I watched a few shows as death was the theme throughout the night. I wondered if that meant anything or if I am just a little nuts from time to time. Only that yesterday was the beginning of the past that started this path I wish we could avoid. One week 3 deaths, only 3 days apart these occurred randomly in my life. Then it continued until I lost the person I was closest to. It started and I guess it will never really end even though in the back of my mind there is doubt.

RIP my friends!

An unheard message

I have been Internet blog site hopping for awhile now. I used to have a few that I updated on a regular basis. These days are kept sane by talking to myself out loud. However, my out loud is much different than those who are rambling at the grocery store for I actually am talking to someone. If only someone else could verify his presence from time to time, then I would probably feel less insane.

I was sitting on the couch the other morning and he opened the door. Not just a normal thing to have the door fling open when it has been double locked. The first time I thought I was crazy, the second time I figured something was up. Not to mention at least someone was sitting there with me. Perhaps a little disturbed as he walked over to a locked door to close it. The strange part is I knew it was him as I looked up to see that he was there. These angels come into our lives and for what reason? I know he has been trying to tell me something for days I am just not able to figure it out exactly. I guess I am one step ahead of most for I can see that he is standing in front of me, but what the message is may not be so easy. Perhaps because it is harder to handle than I realize.

I hate to be such a negative person, but when you see your boyfriend from the past standing before you when he died in a car accident 5 years ago it makes one become rather cold.

My daily goods...

CURRENT STATUS... FUZE and early morning regret

LATELY I AM THINKING... How I wish I was some place else in the world, this planet, perhaps even this universe... anywhere but here!

SHOUT OUT TO... Homeless people who do not work... work is totally overrated!

THE SOAPBOX... The grass is always GREENER on someone else's turf... (should remember this next time I want to move)

I wonder how I will ever surive until the weekend, as it is only Wednesday and I can hardly keep my head up as I try to focus on something other than nothing...