Making sense of it all

I used to write my dreams, thoughts, and moments down in a book. This book is warped from the amount of tears that have been passed in the process. This book is a collection of letters to him. Perhaps I should continue or start again, or maybe that is why I have a blog on almost every blogger site I come across. It is an escape from those that know me, reality or even the past. Strange to write the most intimate details of your day on a website that may be accessed by anyone. I guess if they think I am nuts then they do not have to read. If only they do not know who I am, it shall not matter. Then I better keep those I know, away from these words.

The other day he came while I was driving. He kissed my forehead and said I will be back. Strange how that sounds so weird. My boyfriend who died kissed my forehead. It did not make any sense until I was telling my roommate about the last time I saw his face, and I told him you better never leave me without ever saying goodbye or kissing my face like it will be the last time you ever do. Then he kissed my forehead and grabbed me in his arms. I guess that made sense at that moment. I did not understand where he was going, but he did come back sooner than I thought. Assuming since it was the day after mother's day his mother must have needed him more at that moment than I did.

Last night I saw a man standing in a military outfit. I broke down, for why I have no idea. I stopped breathing and could feel my insides shaking. It was almost as if I was crying like I did the day he died. I realize how much I miss him when I sit alone in a quiet room.

Last week I had a dream that he was here. Not as in the sense that he is here everyday, more like he was alive. He could not remember anything, yet to him I was familiar. He spoke of times I do not recall. Another life as he liked to think when he was alive. A past life together where perhaps we were together for longer than a moment. He knew me when everyone else was strange. I do not know what that meant. Well I know that it means that I miss him, and assuming somewhere deep within I want him to be alive or have not accepted that he has died. Death seems to linger close these days or I am completely insane.

I watched a few shows as death was the theme throughout the night. I wondered if that meant anything or if I am just a little nuts from time to time. Only that yesterday was the beginning of the past that started this path I wish we could avoid. One week 3 deaths, only 3 days apart these occurred randomly in my life. Then it continued until I lost the person I was closest to. It started and I guess it will never really end even though in the back of my mind there is doubt.

RIP my friends!