My contradiction

It was only a matter of time before I contradicted my latest post... I have had nothing but drama and lack of sleep this last month. I have encountered everything from erotic thoughts to doubt and stress.

I am without understanding. I made a decision and come find the universe disagreed with the decision made so it made a different one for me. To know there is this lingering fate that comes and goes without approval. It is because perhaps we cannot see the bigger picture, so we have to keep faith that the bigger picture will be better than our current state.

Six years ago I would agru that the "bigger picture" is a load of rubish. Six years ago he died, and if now this is my bigger picture I was right... The lingering sadness that is present in every waking moment is nothing close to great or better. I was so happy with nothing to fear, now today I have an angel that watches over every step I make because he is no longer able to hold me close, instead he can only see me from afar. Death in my perception can never be made better in the bigger picture. One may argu that the loss of one life is not the end of the world compared to the loss of many, but to one person the loss of that one life may be the end of their world.

I sit contemplating my feelings, my emotions, my past, and my future. Here I sit on the floor of my boyfriend's house yearning for another. Is it fair to be in love with your past, yet living in the present? I contemplate if I am settling for today because I lack the desire to live for tomorrow. I crave intense interaction. I yearn for uncontrolable chemistry from a complete stranger. I look for reasons to not be present in my own reality. Have I become one of those people I mock because they do not take actions for their emotions or control of their own lives? Do I love him because he loves me?

I contemplate what is making me act or feel this way. It is strange. Without him I cannot breathe, as if I am drowning unable to breathe simple air. I not only love him but my soul hurts when he is not around. My heart aches knowing that I will never feel or touch him again. Our relationship has developed into something no one can understand. I know him not as the person I saw him as, but the soul that occupied the body I loved, and I miss that human interaction. In other words I miss him!