Maid of Honor Duties

My sister is getting married... She asked me to be her maid of honor. MOH! Which of course I am elated! I am ecstatic that my sister is happy and cannot wait for her to have her Cinderella moment.

Then about a month after being designated MOH she springs on me RIGHT before the phone rings that a TV production company and WELL KNOWN wedding company wants to do a TV show on her and her wedding. Not just her wedding but her bridesmaids. The catch they were calling me in a few minutes to discuss the terms and conditions of said show.

I am a spastic mess. I don't do anything normal, simple, or quiet. I am prime for TV with my over sharing personality and total disregard for filters. My entire life could've been an epic reality TV show that definitely would've controversial because it's hard to believe it even happened, but I know this about myself so I have never intentionally sought out the attention or drama. Not to mention I valued my lies, deception, and privacy. (hahaha yes I was a handful as a teen) I never wanted to ever be famous or worse on TV. My inappropriate rantings might not even be TV appropriate or better PARENT appropriate! Actually I take that back. Prior to being married my 'single' life adventures were definitely out there, but thank goodness that portion of my life is closed. Although I am not looking for drama in my life especially at this stage.

Yet, it wasn't as if I could say absolutely not! I mean it is my sister.

The first encounter with this production company I missed. The idea was to record a pilot to pitch to whoever would be televising the event. At first I was kind of upset that I missed the broadcast, but after watching her friends talk to each other and about me I was actually glad I missed it. I can see this turning out to be a total mess. They are a reputable company, but there has to be drama somewhere otherwise no one will care. It's scary because I can already see the drama unfolding. I suppose as long as it is not my drama I should careless. I will just keep my mouth shut (easier said than done).

As long as my husband and I are still having lots of sex and I still get my flowers for no reason I will be content and sort of hide in the background. Then again with a new baby and crazy hormones and possibly limited time for husband loving and affection I may be a freaking mess. That's when the over sharing and inappropriate comments just pour out of my mouth like vomit. I am that girl who guaranteed no matter what if there is someone "special" within a five mile radius they will find me. I attract stalkers and clingers... male and female.

My husband laughs... says I meet and attract the weirdest people not to mention that "They don't put boring people on TV"... if you think about it he is right. I mean look at those housewives or those Jersey Girls. The most watched reality shows are generally the loud, obnoxious, stupid people. I mean even TV shows, it wouldn't be a TV show if someone didn't do something utterly stupid. I am not stupid by any means (I have four college degrees to back that up), but I definitely attract the outrageous scenarios.

So back to my sister and her friends. They are lovely people but not my people. I suppose that isn't a bad thing as a variety of people make for interesting situations. With her gorgeous, materialistic (probably a bad choice in description but trendy label seekers doesn't sound much better) group of individuals I am certain it will get a ton of hype. Not to mention one of her bridesmaids is already famous so having her on the show automatically creates a following. Thank goodness I am already married... I can play the old house wife mom role and step away from the action.

Individually each of my sisters friends have their own unique personality traits that make them special in their own way. Then again, together they are intimidating, bold, and clingy. When I first met them as a group I thought they were obnoxious, loud, snotty, drunks... typical tourists... but who isn't in Vegas... It was almost like they are opposed to outsiders invading their friendship circle, which is fine but I befriend the clinger psycho who is looking for friends... so that doesn't mesh well. Not to mention I am an outsider to this group in a unique way and the grooms sister is also a new outsider. I think she will be accepted more fully than me being new and young... I am perceived as different than their group so the already prejudged notion of me they really have no idea... I mean I don't drink... that doesn't mean I haven't ever drank. (come on a I grew up in Las Vegas and had a fake ID at age 14). Then again I am older than them so my drinking days and crazy single moments were before they knew me...

I am not a fan of over talkers. Funny considering I am an over sharer myself. One person in particular in this group always over talks me and it drives me nuts. I couldn't figure out if she doesn't like me or is just a really obnoxious attention whore in general. Then I watched the pre-recorded broadcast and I figured it out. She isn't close to her sister so she views my sister as her sister. She is closer to my sister than her own so she feels my sister should be the same. It's almost as if she is jealous of our relationship so she wants to combat my interaction with my sister. She wants my sisters affection and attention over me. It's creepy, but now that I recognize it, at least I know she isn't completely malicious. Although when I first met her I had my doubts.

Whenever I have anything to say she interrupts or changes the subject. It is unbelievably annoying and odd. Although in a one on one situation she can be incredibly generous and nice, but in a group setting it is different. Maybe for show, but that can be instigated to be viewed as drama so just another reason I want to stay away.

My favorite blurps about myself that the girls blatantly shared when I wasn't there... (probably not realizing that it was being recorded)

"Everything happens for a reason so maybe it is a good things she isn't here..." OUCH! Who says that!?! I am sure they meant it because they could mess better together as a group, but really!?!

"She lives in her own world and is kind of out there with a lot going on in her life so her involvement will be sporadic..."

"She isn't quite like us but has been around long enough to be accepted as part of our group..."

My favorite... "She is an over sharer but rather hilarious, and out of every one's sisters she is the only one who has definitely made an effort to create a relationship with us..."

I hope I don't live to regret posting this... I suppose if it never makes it to TV no one will care. Either way I feel beter about venting about it. I mean it's not as if I would ever share this with my sister... somethings are better left unsaid... hahahaha or in my instance untyped... which I suppose is too late at this point.

My OCD Rant

I read somewhere that stress can be relieved by venting or by journaling your thoughts. So today I thought I would write down a few things... just not sure where to begin...

The OCD side of me says I need to complain about how dirty my house is. Being sick for three weeks unable to move while being 38 weeks pregnant well that explains why my house is a disaster. I never realized how much I clean until I couldn't do it. Which brings me to my next complaint...

My husband thinks he is OCD but you do not get to choose OCD. It's not I think I am OCD about this but it's okay that I am not OCD about that... It's called OCPD... Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder... He thinks that cleaning once a month if that is acceptable. Me on the other hand I generally would mop the floors daily and clean the bathrooms weekly. That is at least until I got pregnant and can hardly stand. I started cleaning with vinegar when I got pregnant but at this point it is more about the lack of mobility than anything else.

So I finally opted to hire a maid. I have yet to hire a maid because I generally find myself re cleaning after it has been cleaned which completely defeats the purpose. Also I have natural wood floors that cannot be mopped with water or bleach or store bought cleaner so I get nervous they could be ruined if someone isn't payin attention.

I have yet to find what I was looking for, but anything at this point is better than nothing. I mentioned that a maid would be coming to clean to his mother, my mother-in-law. She offered to help. I think she wants to be involved in something. So I asked if she would come check on the cleaning people if I hired them to come clean one day. She thought that was a ridiculous idea and offered to actually clean the house for me. Who offers such a task? I am not sure she understands how messy it is or what that entails.

Either way I couldn' t tell her no. So today she is at my house alone possibly cleaning. I mean it is an absolute kind gesture, but it is kind of strange. I am curious if her version of "clean" is anything like mine. I mean she is related to my husband so I am very curious what I will be coming home to. It is hit and miss with him. Either he is blind to dust or he is obsessive with the bleach either way it is not consistent so you never know what you are getting. Curious which version will be her form of cleaning.

I did however still contact two maid services to see if they would come give me a quote. I cannot imagine she will dust the fans and under the beds. Most people don't look up or under things... but I guess I wont mention that I will be having a maid come next week before baby comes. Hopefully once baby arrives I will get past this nesting phase. I cannot stop obsessing about everything from cleaning to organizing to cooking to knitting. My poor daughter is drowning in yarn and homemade projects.

Vegan turned Meat-Eater

I randomly came across this after 3 years of neglect. I think I had moved back to my previous blog. I probably have a blog posted on every available blog site out there. I always tend to migrate back to one though. Probably because it has no connection to myself so I can complain and vent about everyone and everything without consequence. This one, I wonder how hard it would be to find if you were really searching for something on me.

How do you sum up the last 3 years in a single note... not technically possible. Interesting how so much has changed in my life, but there are always the constants. I am married to my childhood best friend. We have a daughter and now soon to be son. Amazing how intense the last three years have been.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and still trying to get over the bronchitis in my lungs. I am pretty drained and emotional. I say emotional because I am frustrated and cranky. I have gained 25lbs which seems like absolutely nothing when you are talking about a baby. However, its ALL in my belly. In other words I look ridiculous! I cannot even get off the couch without rolling over. I have this enormous basketball attached to my stomach making it impossible to move. I cannot clean, which is practically a death sentence for an OCD person. I don't remember being this RAWR with my daughter.

The best side effect to being pregnant... I have been a vegan for 15 years at least. I was even so extreme I did RAW for awhile. Even pregnant with my daughter I was completely normal. This pregnancy I am craving GREASE! I am talking the nasty grease that is stuck to the bottom of a cast iron pan after making hamburgers or bacon. I once was a vegan who didn't eat milk, cheese, yogurt, eggs, basically any type of dairy, also add no gluten or soy I was pretty extreme. Now my body is craving MEAT. I tried the iron or protein to off set the cravings, nothing seemed to help. I was an endless pit of hungry and couldn't stop eating.

One day at a BBQ I was walking by the oven and saw a plate of burger patties just out for consumption. The smell is what propelled my body toward the dead cow so nicely arranged. I asked for one and the entire party went silent. Seeing as I had none these people since birth they were wide eyed and nervous. You would've thought I was trying to drink gasoline or something. I sat down after not eating beef for 15 years and inhaled an entire burger and then asked for a second one. My husband who I have known since I was maybe six years old was silent and awkwardly hovering. They thought for certain I would be ill. I honestly think that my body being A negative blood type doesn't require meat to survive. I know this because I feel better without it. If I do eat it I am exhausted and tired. I think mostly because my body has a hard time digesting it. This child definitely without a doubt has my husbands blood type. I can tell you without knowing for certain his blood type that this baby will have O negative blood. I know that people with O blood need meat. It's just something about their genetic make up I suppose. This child needed that. I actually felt full for the first time since I had become pregnant. It was almost like my head was cleared for a moment. STRANGE!

My doctor thinks I am a riot. He gets a kick out of my would be assumptions or theories. Although I am hardly ever wrong. He did however say to be careful. If this child is the one who is craving the meat or the grease, after he is born my body may reject the meat if I decide to continue eating it. I haven't decided yet what will happen. Although it is INCREDIBLY easier to eat meat it still grosses me out. I my mind I know it to be horrible, but I cannot get enough of it. I still haven't gotten over my psychological views on chicken. I mean anything that technically can run around with its head chopped off FREAKS ME OUT! Why would I want to eat that! Plus thank goodness while being pregnant it is not appealing to me. I am craving GREASE so the fattiest fat I can find. I even consumed an entire steak and literally was rubbing the pieces across my plate. Obviously my body needed something. EVEN BUTTER and MAYO! The two things that absolutely gross me out and I seriously could eat butter out of the package.

It will be interesting to see how my body reacts once this child is born. Becoming a meat eater is expensive! It is way easier to cook and my husband has enjoyed it immensely, but I am not sure yet. Our daughter has A negative blood type too so she isn't too big on eating it. I don't blame her. Although it has been fun and new to be able to go to a restaurant and actually be able to order something off the menu. When you are vegan and allergic to gluten and soy finding restaurant food is not happening! 2 more weeks to go and we will see what happens.

LOST IPHONE

I recently lost my cell phone, and my life has been a mess ever since. How did I become so dependant on such a electronic device. I had everything on that thing. I do not know what is worse the idea that I lost my entire social networking key, or that someone in my office building stole it!

I guess I resorted back to this blog because my other blogs were saved in that phone. Now not knowing the passwords I cannot access them. I find that mildly entertaining.

Speechless

I am absolutely speechless. Looking back at previous blogs I contemplate fate, my life, and how I got where I am.

I thought the relationship I was in was the one. After leaving San Francisco I was happy which perhaps it was the effect of the California air. Six months later we were right back where we started before the trip. Perhaps I didn't realize how unhappy I was because I was so busy. I worked fulltime, taught 5 yoga classes a week, and went to school fulltime 3 days a week. When was there anytime to realize different.

It started in June. School was coming to an break and I had more time on my hands. I began to miss my friends. In other words "the best friend". I contacted him told him I missed him and wanted to see him. A week later a friend the best friends long time friend was on life support. The boyfriend was not at all supportive. He didn't want to be there for me he wanted me to do it alone. So what did I do I ran to the best friend. Seeing the best friend I was lost. I was happy under the circumstances. He made things easier. Just being able to talk to someone and have them listen and respond back was something I didn't realize I was missing. How did I not notice before how anti social the guy I dating was. I watched as we went to dinner we said nothing. If I began to speak he never once looked at me made eye contact and he actually picked up his phone and started texting his friends. I wondered if he tealized how rude be was being. Then I wondered how long he had acted like this.

I decided we had some serious issues and wanted to talk about it. He flipped out and said if I am not happy I never will be. That he loves me as much as he can and if that's not enough then it never will be. He walked out.

At first I thought I was devastated he just walked out and didn't want to work it out. He didn't call me for that weekend and when he did be had nothing to say. I was so angry. He didn't call me on my birthday yet he was trying to work it out. He asked me over for dinner to win me over and threw a hot pocket type deal in the oven fir me but he wasn't hungry and texted on his phone and watched basketball while I ate. It was horrible.

I ran to the best friend. The best friend wine and dined me. He BBQ food that I liked drank wine and sat and talked with me till late hours. 9 months later I gave birth to a girl.

I never ever would have thought the best friend and I would be in this place but now we have a baby. He still makes my heart skip beats. It is strange how he has never been my boyfriend officially yet we have a baby.

He is supportive and has mentioned moving in together. It frightens me but maybe he is what I have always wanted. We shall see. I often contemplate if I made an impulse decision but then I read blogs or notes I wrote about how unhappy I was in that relationship. I just wonder why I didn't get out sooner.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Change

You are not happy so why stay with him? Why stay in a relationship that you dislike? I often wonder how or why we trick ourselves into thinking that we are happy when we are tearing at the sides to escape subtly. If we wait long enough could it potentially be too late? I didn’t want to be with him. He wasn’t what I wanted. I knew this looking at him as his eyes glistened with the image of me. I craved something more, something different, maybe even someone else… yet when we finally do split a part of me is sad. Is this not what I wanted? How could I fool myself into thinking that this is what I wanted, or do I only want him back because he is moving on?

The glimmer of me the glow in his eyes, the flame the burned is nothing more than ash. His negative glare says he is angry at the past unwilling to fix the future, but do I even want to try to fix the future? Is it true love if you have to work at loving them? Why do we fool ourselves into staying with people we do not love? Perhaps I loved him but was I ever truly madly in LOVE with him? How can you love one if you never really got your heart back from another… is that his fault?

I miss the moments when we were busy. I miss the social life he had acquired. I miss the friends I had come to know. I miss the family I came to love, but no where do I find myself missing the moments of just him. Shouldn’t that tell me something, yet I still am bothered by all my space and new surroundings. Over time I am sure I will adjust it is just change the fears the many.

The very First One

I decided I am addicted to the first time… The first one who stole my heart… I guess I never really got it back. Does he even know how much power he posses over me? To see his face sends an electric shock through my blood as if I tingle like a little kid in a candy store. A sense of comfort and excitement bottled into one is how I would describe it. Will it ever really work? I contemplate this because we have been after this for at least 15 years. This sounds ridiculous and crazy, but is it quite possible he is the one I am longing to live with rather than someone I would be trying to live with? I think I have lost my mind when I think of the possibilities of us. It will never work yet he is so quick to say the words that make everything seem to fall into place. He has changed in a way I never thought possible… he has grown into someone I do not recognize, yet I have known him the majority of my life. He is an adult. He grew up somewhere between the drama and stress of his past. He has changed slightly in ways that are drastic to me. I think too much and analyze everything. Maybe that is my problem… and I need to be more relaxed and carefree to go with the flow of this new found moment.