Love is blind

World's longest meeting ever has caused me to seek other sources of entertainment. I hate this phone. It has no mute, no speaker, no headset, and it is the most uncomfortable thing. I just sit with a crooked neck for hours.

I have decided I love my boyfriend, yet the worldly distractions could actually cloud my emotions and cause for bad judgement. The hardest part he does not realize the interference with my emotions is pushing us over the edge. He is adorable in the sense that he is clueless, but stupid for the fact that he could potentially lose me. Does he not want to see this happening, or does he really not notice?

I went out with the best friend again. I happened to be right by his house which isn't that rare considering I live a mile from him and 35 miles from my boyfriend. After going to dinner with my parents, we went to cash his check at the nearest casino and then went to sushi. I don't know what exactly I want. He is my best friend, but for what reason? Simply because I have known him almost my whole life, or is there an underlying, unspoken emotional bond or attachment to him that I try not to admit? While driving he spoke to a friend, and said I am with my girl everything will be okay. I suddenly felt as if our relationship went from undefined friends to dating. Without physical contact could we potentially be dating by hanging out on a regular basis? I didn't know how to respond, but I felt my heart pounding. Pounding because I love my boyfriend, yet racing because of some other reason I have yet to discover.

During dinner he spoke of the past. I could sense he was thinking of emotional times which could also cloud judgements in the present. Do we act on emotions in the past while living in the present? How do we distinguish between the two? Then again if they are still present how did they last so long?

Either way before I decide on my future I must determine my present and the added pressure or baggage of my boyfriends environment is the first to be changed. Either it changes or I will have to find some courage to venture out on my own. He deserves a chance to fix things to make it work, yet I am disturbed that he doesn't notice that I am upset or unhappy. Even the dads wife who I hardly ever see or speak to understood immediately asking questions. The best friend knew right away things were not right. How does the person closest to me not see it? Is he blinded by love, emotion, desire, or does he not care to notice because it does not effect him yet?

Love is blind, yet afterwards we contemplate how we could have been so blinded by our surroundings. Is it my job as the unhappy girlfriend to speak out and tell him to pay attention or notice, or is it his job as the loving boyfriend to notice that I am pulling away and acting distant?

Past Present and Future all in TODAY!

The past, present, and future... I contemplate all of the above perhaps more often than liked. I know that the future does not exist so why would I fuss over something that has not happened yet? I long to know what has not happened. If it has not happened yet, then there should be nothing left to worry about. Yet we as people do such things daily.

The PAST is over. It no longer exists so why do we bother our minds with things we cannot change. In every decision of everyday I make with some reference to the past. In part it is no longer, yet it shaped me into who I have become.

The PRESENT is now, and I am spending my moments worrying about what has happened and what will happen. It is a never ending cycle, as I worry about tomorrow or what I did yesterday I create a pattern that in tomorrow I will then worry about what I did today that created my tomorrow. How does it end?

My present emotions clouded by my past emotions. The past no longer exists yet how do these emotions remain so strong, unresolved issues that are clouding my present linger in unhidden spots as I contemplate tomorrow. I contemplate if my past met my future would it be perfect. I then contemplate if my present meets tomorrow would it be better. IS that all we are doing is continually searching for perfect? Is there ever going to be such a thing as perfect, so in fact we actually searching for nothing?

Ready to scream in public

I did it again. The dreaded dream. What makes this one different from many past? I fear in the back of my mind because I acted in foresight with his death that such thoughts create future happenings. I had a dream the past three nights that my best friend died in a car crash. I was horrified. I was a total wreck. The difference between this dream and a vision past is I was actually living it, experiencing the moment as if it were present time. In the vision past I never was living it fully I watched it happen. Different not really except it was foggy and the feeling was not real as if it could have been changed or did not exist. If a loved one dies in front of your eyes you become hysterical, yet I watched as if they could not see me watching. Different but both horrifying to experience. Does that help when contemplating why my brain would create such horrible moments in midst deep sleep, no not at all actually.

The best friend links us together, without him would there be no us? Is that what I am searching for, a way out? When I ask for a way out, what relationship am I contemplating?

Last night bothered me to the point of almost screaming. Ever been in a restaurant and wished you were a small child? A small child like those that will not stop screaming at the top of their lungs because something is wrong. Where did we go wrong? Somewhere between small child and adult we internalize that screaming rather than converting it to words. Standing in the middle of the restaurant I wanted to scream like small child for everything that was wrong in my world, yet I said nothing and simply remained calm.

The boyfriends mother is such a nice person, but is she to over involved in our lives to the point that it is straining our relationship. When we drive places, he drives her, and I meet them there. Which is not strange, except if she is going somewhere different he will drive her car and her somewhere and I am suppose to pick him up there. Not as if she is 100 years old she is well capable of driving her self. I cannot figure out if that is petty of me, or if the small things are accumulating into one large mess. Perhaps I never noticed it at first, but it is beginning to bother me. A wasted trip, time, gas, and lack of effort on her part.

Arriving to dinner we were given a booth his mother went to sit next to him while I was to sit across from him. Strange I felt as if I was the third wheel in a relationship, where I am the girlfriend. FINALLY, he said no that it was weird and she moved, but that is one moment compared to many.

Recently, the older brother was bothered by her remarks. Instead of calling him by his name I call him boyfriend. I am not sure why or when but it started as a reminder to remind myself that I had a boyfriend since I was never the sort. It sort of stuck and others began quite fond of the nickname, yet when others call refer to him as boyfriend it bothers me slightly but only some. It became even weirder when started calling him boyfriend. It was creepy and his older brother said something, but she disregards it as if it is cute. I have not figured out what to say or what to think. If only our space could be limited but this is taking a huge effect on our relationship. Am I too nice that I say nothing? Will it in turn break us up? Then back to the lingering question, am I searching for reason for distance, space, or a break up? I contemplate if his mother was not embedded in his every moment would our relationship be different, would be closer to marriage? Would I feel more comfortable about marriage? What is now is real, and that is all I must deal with along with linger emotions.

Lurking emotions

Yesterday I went to visit the friend. She is practically my only female friend these days. I tend to flake off and disappear at times in commitment. She complained about doing the same. In a similar situation she lives with the boyfriend and misses her own space. I stay with the boyfriend pushing further and further away as we get close.

I hear that according to the England Medical Journal, college girls drink, party, stalk bars looking for that hook up just as much as the guys do. So for everyone who thinks men are pigs, perhaps it isn't men but the men in your life.

I am not so innocent myself, but perhaps it is seen as so because women are better at hiding things. She complained about missing the single life, stalking the bars, the random hook ups, flirting, and then we wondered if we were meant for one single person. I felt as if she was speaking the words that were hiding in the back of my mind screaming to get out. She felt what I felt, is this normal or are we so similar that we both think and feel alike? There are those people who mesh well together, are born to be wives and mothers, then I wonder if there are people more like me and my friend. People that crave intense situations, passion, romance, yet mystery, and variety. Does that mean we will eventually settle down? If we do settle too early will that in turn destroy our passion and desire lurking beneath the surface? Does he even realize how social one is, when he sits day after day in front of the TV? Strange how ones desire for laziness can in turn bring another closer and closer as if it is contagious.

Perhaps we struggle with what men have been struggling with for so long. Commitment? Not as if you can put the love or relationship on hold until you are ready. I know deep within that he is forever, but why do I want more now as if forever will never come, or just isn't today.

I think of him and contemplate how I can love him so much, yet still want to explore more. Does that even work? IS that what commitment is? Should we not be so committed if we are not married? Am I lacking my own personal space and crave air fresh clean air? When I enter his house I feel the walls moving closer to my body as if it is trying to lock me in. The moment I leave I feel free and different, is that psychological or what?

My ultimate thought needs to be answered, do I want to be free, or do I simply want another? If I want another why I am I still here, in fear that it would never work? Or do I just want an excuse to leave? So many questions in my head, yet no one is there to answer them. Why, must I contemplate all of this so soon. He is not the wrong person, I am just in the wrong state of mind. So I think... That question must be answered before I can answer the next. I am searching for answers, clues, keys, thoughts, understandings that he is the right person. How would I know or could I tell? My parents have been married for 28 years and they have a strong marriage, but they do had nervous moments in the beginning. How does one determine the difference? Once decided he is my one, will the commitment fears will melt away, or be addressed at a later state in time?

After speaking with the friend, I could not help but call the best friend. Listening to him play with his children I contemplated what I wanted. Do I want a lifestyle of kids and responsibility? I speak of commitment and suffocation, yet I move closer and closer to loads of responsibility the closer I get to him. I am stuck in the past, my emotions of 15 years ago are clouding my judgements of today. How strong is one emotion or feeling that could be first felt 15 years ago, that it could alter my decisions of now? I always listened to the thoughts that your first love never dies, perhaps that is why you should not be friends later in adult life.

Knitting skills exposed

Simply because I knit does not mean I want to make you a sweater, so why do people ask? I received a phone call from the boyfriends dads wife. (so called step-mom but if I ever said that, that might be devastating) She wanted to know if I would make her grand-daughter a baby blanket. Do these people not realize that this take a month of my time, not to mention I do not want to do this. Of course what can you say to them really? She offers to pay me for my time, but lets be honest here no one is going to pay you what your time is worth especially considering that the total for the supplies was $50. At least I as smarter this time around, considering that if I went to the store to pick out the items I would spend too much money and I would never receive my funds. I think even $50 was over her budget as she sighed when the cashier rang up the items.

I began with the pattern she had picked out. A crocheted baby blanket. I followed the pattern for 30 rows until I realized it is AWFUL! So I started over making up a pattern as I went. If she does not like too bad.

Yesterday the phone rings as the girl tells me her name even after hearing her name I had no idea who she was. Apparently the word is out, and the boyfriends best friends girlfriend also wants me to make her a blanket. WHAT? Why would anyone think I want to make a gift for them to give to someone else. She wants a baby blanket also. She said she would pay me, but really how much would someone spend for a handmade baby blanket. Frustrated I agreed to make another blanket by March. Contemplating what to tell her when she asks how much I turned to my mother. She said log your time, which is ridiculous considering that would never turn out good. Can I charge a friend to make something for someone else, or is purchasing the supplies enough? I consider this when thinking what would he do. His best friend is giving him a discount on my engagement ring, but discount is the key word. Unfortunately it is different, however he still plans to make a profit off his friend with a minimal discount offered.

The boyfriend said I never should have agreed. Really you think? When someone you do not talk to on the phone, you do not even have their number calls you directly to ask if you will do something how do you say no? I guess perhaps I am a nicer person than that. It is not as if I do not enjoy knitting or crocheting, but it is just annoying that people assume I want to make these for people for free.

Flustered Behavior

It has been a quick minute since I have been on the Internet blog sites. I tried to be a good employee and do my job, yet they seem to frown upon that. I voluntarily asked if I could come into the office this week, and they want to know why. I guess I will not try to work anymore why waste my energy trying when they keep shutting down everything I do. Strange how this company works.

I notice as my frustration builds with work my surrounds suffer. Boggled by the people around me I contemplated if it was them or perhaps me. For a moment I felt trapped, stuck, as if the walls were moving and I could not breathe. Different than perhaps a shut in where they need the walls to survive, I could not wait to be outside amongst the pollution filled noise congested cold air. I feel as if I have been taking it out on my boyfriend the more he squeezes the faster I run. I have been like this as long as I can remember. In fear of commitment or making the wrong choice in anything I do. Hence, why I am so indecisive in anything I do. I thought perhaps it pertained to the moderate to extreme OCD behavior, but then I contemplate if perhaps it is just me.

Friend Log: New Year's Eve

I decided after delicate consideration that I will take part in a personal log. It may never be used, but I have read documents of cases on abuse where a simple journal or log has saved the lives of some or convicted others. Since the situation is sticky, I would prefer to remain distant, and I want no part of anything. However if ever needed I have a log that might help in the event that it becomes worse.

New Year's Eve: The best friend said he was going to stay in for the night. Strange how staying in going to bed early makes us perceive ourselves as old. Thinking he was too old for the festivities of the night he made his decision, and said he would call later.

Early New Year's Day: The best friend had a drama filled night, and perhaps he had no where to vent. It must be harder for guys to complain to other guys for my guy friends find comfort in venting to me. Is it useful? That I do not know, but I must be doing something correct otherwise they probably would have stopped by now.

Since he decided he was too old for bars and parties a friend was at his house. He said he heard a key in the door and suddenly the ex-wife kicked open the door. Yelling as she broke a picture frame hanging on a wall and glasses around she made him talk.

(I remember how angry she got at him once when I was there back in high school. He was with his friends storming into his parents house slamming doors and yelling she pointed to him and the back room, and said you and me let's go. So this actually was not hard to imagine at all. Not to mention our last encounter at the bar where she just storms into a public place yelling at him.)

He said he went up stairs as she yelled at him. Apparently she thought he had females over, which I cannot figure out if she wants to catch him in the act of something so that she has a reason to blame the divorce or if she is just bitter at him. Since there were no females and she perhaps realized it was not just her house but his as well, she decided she was going to tell the police that he pushed her down the stairs as she stormed out. Nervous that the cops were going to show up and arrest him he cleaned up the broken glass and waited.

I am not sure if this was a cry for help or an actual threat. Strange how two people can be so alike, no wonder they were friends. In high school a friend often threatened guys of suicide if they left or broke up, strange how they remind me of each other.

He said he took back the necklace that he bought her. An expensive piece of jewelry, I cannot imagine that went over too well. Perhaps that is where the indication of the stairs came in out of anger and thought of revenge. The hard part of hearing a story, everyone has their own opinion and views of what happened even the friend present probably had his own thoughts as well if he didn't end up running for cover.

The police never showed, perhaps because she barged into his house at 4am in the morning accusing him of cheating. Later after dropping off the kids she wanted an apology from him. At least according to him he stood his ground. He said words I often thought myself, "I wish I never met you" as I remember times wishing he never met her either. Then I think about the past and even though she is a bit crazy or extreme she perhaps did help him, but how do you weigh that in with all the bad?

Days prior while sitting at the bar he mentioned a time when she tried to run him over with her car. He did not understand then that, that was not normal and that is not an indication of love. So how would he understand now. A busted lip and hurting in front of his parents house he got back in the car with her. I often wonder why women do such things, but him why? Does he not think someone is out there that would treat him with respect?

It breaks my heart listening to his story. I cry over the thought of him hurting. When I heard they were back together I hoped in the back of my heart that they resolved their issues, unfortunately I was wrong. If I had hoped they could resolve their problems, I cannot imagine how she felt or feels or even how he feels wanting something that just is not there. It explained why he had not called in so long, to resolve his relationship he had to make sacrifices and unfortunately our friendship was part of that.

Only in the present will be regret what was done in the past. For my future I hope to never regret what is done today.

Sisters know best

I have been contemplating my life and my surroundings a lot lately. My sister has been a great insight, which being a younger sister I often times forget because she is so smart. She has thoughts and views on experiences perhaps I never ventured into. Maybe she is more mature or maybe she is just so different that is helps. She knows me better and longer than anyone else there is so why not use her valued experiences to hopefully deduct my own conclusions. I often contemplate if one tells me not to do something or values their opinion that perhaps it only pushes me closer to what is unhealthy for myself. One wants what one cannot have, and if the advice is no do we not contemplate it more. Do we not think we are cooler, smarter, and different that the same outcome will not happen to ourselves? Either way we should learn from the mistakes of others, yet sometimes we have to make these mistakes ourselves for them to fully sink in. In anything I do regardless of whether or not I listen to my sister she is still my whole world, my heart and that will never change.

Welcome to the working world

Frustrated to my tip toes. I do not understand how people do not understand constructive criticism. I am tired of arguing findings from which are left empty. It is not my job to redo another persons work, yet I constantly am finding unfinished projects that I simply complete rather than give advice on how to complete the missing fields. I see why I never gave advice I receive backlash. Well they can have it uncompleted then because it is ridiculous I would rather not waste the energy.

Unspoken words brought to life

I have been distant from my words, mostly because I am afraid of what I might admit. I contemplate why one person can be so simple, and with a few drinks be so different. Are they admitting things they hide deep within, or are these things that are misunderstood due to the effect of alcohol? Loud and funny my friend has always been, but brutally honest lingered within the jokes of his words. After sushi the other night on a random meeting he spoke words I had never thought I would hear sticking me in an awkward position. Will he remember these words spoken tomorrow when he wakes from a sever headache and spinning room, or will he brush it off as if it was a drunken moment?

I love my boyfriend. My boyfriend is forever, yet my best friend is telling me words that only my boyfriend should speak. Does this not ruin our friendship? He makes me contemplate if guys and girls can be friends, or if certain guys and girl should not be friends. I love him, and have loved him since I was 12 years old. Does this not effect my behavior or opinion of him? How much does history play into emotions or the past create the future? With two children and a so-called-ex-wife I tell him not speak that way.

How or why would someone marry someone who they do not love? Did he not believe it would be forever? Words I asked when alone in his presence, as he quietly commented, "no she was more of a mother figure for my son." She called while at work one day and told him they were going to get married that weekend. At the court house he borrowed his mother's wedding ring for one was never purchased. Why would I find comfort in knowing such a thing? I contemplate myself and my own life wondering if we too have lost our chemistry and are moving forward in our relationship out of habit. That is what people do, and therefore that is what we do? Is it pre-marital jitters or simply doubt. Is it something that I want to discover? I listen to his words upon divorce contemplating if that could be me in 5 years. His fate is not our fate, yet he describes us so well simply by talking about his own divorce which frightens me, or perhaps brings me closer to him.

New Years Resolutions

A new post for the new year. As the new year begins many contemplate what will be done different this year to make it better than the last, with this many new years resolutions are created. Instead of creating a resolution that will probably not last I am hoping to do nothing out of the ordinary so nothing changes for the worst. I was content in 2007, and I hope that 2008 is nothing but positive energy to fill my unbalanced moments.