Ready to scream in public

I did it again. The dreaded dream. What makes this one different from many past? I fear in the back of my mind because I acted in foresight with his death that such thoughts create future happenings. I had a dream the past three nights that my best friend died in a car crash. I was horrified. I was a total wreck. The difference between this dream and a vision past is I was actually living it, experiencing the moment as if it were present time. In the vision past I never was living it fully I watched it happen. Different not really except it was foggy and the feeling was not real as if it could have been changed or did not exist. If a loved one dies in front of your eyes you become hysterical, yet I watched as if they could not see me watching. Different but both horrifying to experience. Does that help when contemplating why my brain would create such horrible moments in midst deep sleep, no not at all actually.

The best friend links us together, without him would there be no us? Is that what I am searching for, a way out? When I ask for a way out, what relationship am I contemplating?

Last night bothered me to the point of almost screaming. Ever been in a restaurant and wished you were a small child? A small child like those that will not stop screaming at the top of their lungs because something is wrong. Where did we go wrong? Somewhere between small child and adult we internalize that screaming rather than converting it to words. Standing in the middle of the restaurant I wanted to scream like small child for everything that was wrong in my world, yet I said nothing and simply remained calm.

The boyfriends mother is such a nice person, but is she to over involved in our lives to the point that it is straining our relationship. When we drive places, he drives her, and I meet them there. Which is not strange, except if she is going somewhere different he will drive her car and her somewhere and I am suppose to pick him up there. Not as if she is 100 years old she is well capable of driving her self. I cannot figure out if that is petty of me, or if the small things are accumulating into one large mess. Perhaps I never noticed it at first, but it is beginning to bother me. A wasted trip, time, gas, and lack of effort on her part.

Arriving to dinner we were given a booth his mother went to sit next to him while I was to sit across from him. Strange I felt as if I was the third wheel in a relationship, where I am the girlfriend. FINALLY, he said no that it was weird and she moved, but that is one moment compared to many.

Recently, the older brother was bothered by her remarks. Instead of calling him by his name I call him boyfriend. I am not sure why or when but it started as a reminder to remind myself that I had a boyfriend since I was never the sort. It sort of stuck and others began quite fond of the nickname, yet when others call refer to him as boyfriend it bothers me slightly but only some. It became even weirder when started calling him boyfriend. It was creepy and his older brother said something, but she disregards it as if it is cute. I have not figured out what to say or what to think. If only our space could be limited but this is taking a huge effect on our relationship. Am I too nice that I say nothing? Will it in turn break us up? Then back to the lingering question, am I searching for reason for distance, space, or a break up? I contemplate if his mother was not embedded in his every moment would our relationship be different, would be closer to marriage? Would I feel more comfortable about marriage? What is now is real, and that is all I must deal with along with linger emotions.