My decision...

I think this trip was a blessing for my relationship. I made a decision and I am happy with that decision. It breaks my heart that I would choose someone over someone I have know the majority of my life, but that isn't fair that I have to choose. My best friend brought this upon himself when he decided to not keep in touch for the 2 years that his marriage lasted. Now that his marriage is dissolving he thinks he can just come back into my life and I am suppose to drop everything for him.

I should be angry at him for not calling me for the last 2 years, or that he thinks that he is so important that I will drop everything. I am not mad at him because he is that friend that has been there always. Our relationship is different that most, but I this time I will not let this one destroy what I have. He is making me choose between having him as a friend and the one I am in love with and that is selfish.

I decided to tell my boyfriend what is going on with the tough decision that I struggle with. I told him I decided to no longer see my best friend, hang out with him, or call him. I told him that it breaks my heart that he is making me choose between him and my boyfriend, but he wants more than I can give. My boyfriend was glad to hear what I was going through. I explained that I do not want to put myself in a situation where it could potentially destroy our relationship. He agreed that I don't hang out with him for awhile. I hope in this time that he finds what he is looking for, a friend, a love, a relationship, strength, whatever he needs. Maybe we will never be friends again... I mean we were never really the just friends, we were always closer than that on a different level with the possibility of something. even though something never really happened, there is always that possibility and I do not want it now.

For the last 2 years that he hasn't called I found someone who I want to be my best friend, and now that he needs a friend, a crutch, a distraction from his drama, I just can no longer be that person.

Finally, I am comfortable in my decision even though it breaks my heart. I do not want to loose him, but if he really is my best friend he will understand. He made that decision when he decided 2 years ago to shut me out for someone else. Unfortunately it comes to this, but I have to do what is best for me and my relationship, and I choose my relationship.

San Francisco Trip

In the city of LOVE I found what I was looking for....

The boyfriend and I went to San Francisco for the weekend. I was a little skeptical about how the event would go considering we have not done anything like this before. This was our first alone trip. I was nervous he wouldn't have fun. It was almost like I don't know my own boyfriend out of our natural element.

We decided to backpack around the city and not have to worry about suitcases so we could go to as many different places as possible. We flew right into the city and headed toward Union Square. We then proceeded to check out different tourist spots. We saw the Warf, the Golden Gate bridge, Golden Gate park, Alamo Square. Haight and Ashbury, China Town, and of course shopping. We then headed back to Union Square to check out more shopping. We had a company party to attend Saturday night so we hopped on the Bart to Pleasanton. We got ready and went to the Black Hawk Antique Car Museum for dinner and drinks.

The food was unbelievable. We didn't stay too long we were exhausted from the the long day. We decided to take the first bus back to the hotel after taking pictures with the cars. We got up early on Sunday to head back into the city where we spent most of the day at the Warf. We walked up Embarcadero and visited the different shops and experienced the ocean front view. Where I finally found a scarf and sweatshirt. I found the cutest bag that was so cheap, of course that was exciting.

Our goal was to find matching jackets sweatshirts. It is harder than it sounds to find a small women's jacket or shirt that matches a men's large sweatshirt. We headed back to Union square where we found the best chocolate drinks EVER, but no jackets.

The Bart ride back was fun, we had one on one time without the distractions of the TV or books or the daily materials of our lives. We arrived to the airport early and were able to hop on an early flight. Thank goodness because I didn't want to sit in the airport for another hour.

The trip was wonderful! While sitting on a double deck tourist bus we listened as they called San Francisco the home of Cupid where a bow and air marked the city. I didn't really read too far into the story, but once leaving I felt closer and happier in my relationship and wish I knew more.

A consume addicition

In this time of foreclosure and high prices I find myself addicted to the modern everyday materials that makes us human. 

I cannot seem to stop spending money on useless items. Items that are not needed are being purchased at an alarming rate. I am unable to control my habit or addiction to accessories to make me more socially accepted. I am craving acceptance. I purchased more make up today. I am annoyed as I plan to save for college, a wedding, a house, and a future., yet I continue to buy stupid items that are wasteful and unnecessary. 

I keep thinking it will go away after this last purchase, but it has yet to stop. First it was the bag, then the clothes, then the makeup, and then electronics. When will it stop?

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Unable to fit in the clothes that are provided, unable to style my hair, or apply my make up, I fidget until I find more. I am craving change and stability. I want something different or something new, although I have yet to discover what it is exactly I am searching for. In the mean time I continue to buy these items thinking I am helping.

Passion undiscovered

Unable to sleep I stalk this sight late at night. Knowing the the early morning hours will be present soon, and the responsibilities of tomorrow will soon arrive I sit unable to sleep. Lately I have been in a million places at one time, unable to relax. 

I was never that person who would lay on the bed unable to sleep. Today, I am that person who lays on the bed for moments waiting as her mind to stop spinning. Unable to stop the chatter as I sit the thoughts clutter my nights, I contemplated a book.

I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do. What I wouldn't give for one passionate hobby, instead of a million pieces of something. I sat watching the final moments of the Idol show, where strangers poured their emotions out for a camera. Passion filled their hearts as they wanted something so bad it resulted in tears when it did not happen they way they had hoped. I watched speechless, for I did not understand the tears. Nothing in my life have I been that passionate about that it would result in tears. Absolutely nothing... I contemplate what energy I have consumed previously and what I may have loved so much that without it could have appeared as the end of the world if it did not happen. The only thing that comes to mind is him, not a hobby or a talent, but the death of him. The only time in my life when I thought tomorrow would never come. The only time in my life when nothing else mattered but yesterday. It is not the same so I may never fully understand, but the disappointment perhaps that I can grasp. 

Still what I wouldn't give to become that passionate about something...  Maybe it is inside of me just waiting to escape, and I have yet to find the one thing that will set it free... until then I will continue to love an angel and live in a world I do not understand.

A difficult decision is made...

I am becoming a different person. Perhaps the early rising morning person was never really me, I only wished I was a morning person. As the nights grow longer and the days shorter I crave sleep yet am unable to obtain that dream state until the early morning hours. With the busy schedule and lack of consistency I wonder when it will end.

I have been distant from expressing my thoughts lately. Perhaps because things are on an up, and I am less likely to complain when things are good. I still am confused, lost, and unknown yet things are different. Perhaps I am growing into an adult, and I seek commitment or change.

I have decided to make a decision, as I stared at a rock that had our names carved into it in the 7th grade I contemplated what he would do if I handed it to him. I heart him is what is read on a smooth rock. Would make it worse if I actually handed it to him. Would he understand my decision? I may never fully get over him, but I did a great job of moving on.

Disappointment presented itself in the tone of his voice. He wanted to spend time with me, yet there is no point to our time together. I decided, I love my boyfriend. I am happy in my relationship. I want to move forward in my relationship. I do not want to be a step-mom, or deal with the constant drama of the ex-wife, nor do I want to live in fear of him reconnecting with her in his future. 

With this decision made, my heart breaks as I realize I am losing a friend. Unable to see him I decided it is for the best, for it only creates problems in my current relationship. Does he have this radar in his head to only find me when I am at finally happy again? With thoughts of him settling I cling to the disappointing rather than noticing the good. I do not want to sabotage my relationship, I want to enjoy myself. Sticking to my decision I failed to answer my phone when it rang. Perhaps in a different time or place things would have been different, and we would have been together. Unfortunately it is not today or at this time.