I am becoming a different person. Perhaps the early rising morning person was never really me, I only wished I was a morning person. As the nights grow longer and the days shorter I crave sleep yet am unable to obtain that dream state until the early morning hours. With the busy schedule and lack of consistency I wonder when it will end.
I have been distant from expressing my thoughts lately. Perhaps because things are on an up, and I am less likely to complain when things are good. I still am confused, lost, and unknown yet things are different. Perhaps I am growing into an adult, and I seek commitment or change.
I have decided to make a decision, as I stared at a rock that had our names carved into it in the 7th grade I contemplated what he would do if I handed it to him. I heart him is what is read on a smooth rock. Would make it worse if I actually handed it to him. Would he understand my decision? I may never fully get over him, but I did a great job of moving on.
Disappointment presented itself in the tone of his voice. He wanted to spend time with me, yet there is no point to our time together. I decided, I love my boyfriend. I am happy in my relationship. I want to move forward in my relationship. I do not want to be a step-mom, or deal with the constant drama of the ex-wife, nor do I want to live in fear of him reconnecting with her in his future.
With this decision made, my heart breaks as I realize I am losing a friend. Unable to see him I decided it is for the best, for it only creates problems in my current relationship. Does he have this radar in his head to only find me when I am at finally happy again? With thoughts of him settling I cling to the disappointing rather than noticing the good. I do not want to sabotage my relationship, I want to enjoy myself. Sticking to my decision I failed to answer my phone when it rang. Perhaps in a different time or place things would have been different, and we would have been together. Unfortunately it is not today or at this time.
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