Change

You are not happy so why stay with him? Why stay in a relationship that you dislike? I often wonder how or why we trick ourselves into thinking that we are happy when we are tearing at the sides to escape subtly. If we wait long enough could it potentially be too late? I didn’t want to be with him. He wasn’t what I wanted. I knew this looking at him as his eyes glistened with the image of me. I craved something more, something different, maybe even someone else… yet when we finally do split a part of me is sad. Is this not what I wanted? How could I fool myself into thinking that this is what I wanted, or do I only want him back because he is moving on?

The glimmer of me the glow in his eyes, the flame the burned is nothing more than ash. His negative glare says he is angry at the past unwilling to fix the future, but do I even want to try to fix the future? Is it true love if you have to work at loving them? Why do we fool ourselves into staying with people we do not love? Perhaps I loved him but was I ever truly madly in LOVE with him? How can you love one if you never really got your heart back from another… is that his fault?

I miss the moments when we were busy. I miss the social life he had acquired. I miss the friends I had come to know. I miss the family I came to love, but no where do I find myself missing the moments of just him. Shouldn’t that tell me something, yet I still am bothered by all my space and new surroundings. Over time I am sure I will adjust it is just change the fears the many.

The very First One

I decided I am addicted to the first time… The first one who stole my heart… I guess I never really got it back. Does he even know how much power he posses over me? To see his face sends an electric shock through my blood as if I tingle like a little kid in a candy store. A sense of comfort and excitement bottled into one is how I would describe it. Will it ever really work? I contemplate this because we have been after this for at least 15 years. This sounds ridiculous and crazy, but is it quite possible he is the one I am longing to live with rather than someone I would be trying to live with? I think I have lost my mind when I think of the possibilities of us. It will never work yet he is so quick to say the words that make everything seem to fall into place. He has changed in a way I never thought possible… he has grown into someone I do not recognize, yet I have known him the majority of my life. He is an adult. He grew up somewhere between the drama and stress of his past. He has changed slightly in ways that are drastic to me. I think too much and analyze everything. Maybe that is my problem… and I need to be more relaxed and carefree to go with the flow of this new found moment.

The old me

I have decided... I am here to reclaim ME! I am taking ownership of my SOCIAL life! I will no longer be someone I do not want to be. I need to be doing something at all moments and if he is busy I will find someone else to occupy my time.

It costs money for women to look good. A huge stereotypical world we live in, where women must be glam and men can wear what they wore yesterday and still look good. If men want us to look good or like the pleasure of us women at our best then they can PAY for the drinks and the nightly entertainment. I see nothing wrong with having a couple of people take me out. I once was spontaneous and sporadic. It took practice and work to develop such a social life, but it was fun worth it. I must secretly crave the excitement of meeting for the first time. The UNKNOWN... If he is not going to take me to where I want to go I shall find someone else who is interested. I first need to figure out what it is exactly I am looking to do.

First Kiss

I spoke to the best friend about this ignoring factor. He had no idea he was doing it. Possibly it could get better. He said he sucks at relationships. Does this mean we are in a relationship? I paused, a little frightened at what any of that could me when he asked me to come over. Excited yet nervous I agreed. He opened the door and I walked in, not even before he closed the door he kissed me. I felt as if I was being pulled towards him, my knees went weak, my heart was his, and we proceeded to make out in the front entry way. The passion I have been craving my whole entire life, has been right in front of me this whole entire time. Did I secretly know this and in my subconscious somewhere I was trying to find him in everyone else? I began to hear someone talking and talking in the distant, I looked up remembering I was on the phone when I walked in and she had been talking the whole time. Laughing we separated and I ended the conversation. It seems almost as every kiss is a first kiss and makes me weak as if I cannot get enough. I am addicted.

Amazed at how he can make my whole world spin a complete different direction, I stared as he stood staring back. I did not know what to say. The idea was to ask about the future, is he serious? Is he real? Will this ever work? Yet, when I was standing in front of him nothing else mattered.

Part of me wondered if the X and I could work things out, but in moments like these I really contemplate what I am doing. Do I really want to work it out? I spoke to the best friends boy, he adores me, thinks I am great only he does not see the best friend being a constant or a permanent in my life. Somewhere deep inside I want to argue with him, tell him he is wrong but hat fear lingers closer than even I care to admit. He said he has always hoped in the back of his mind that we were meant for each other or we would one day find out ways back to each other, but sad enough he doesn’t see it. The other best friend says similar words as he tells me not to get too invested for fear I will be the one hurt. They care enough to be honest or do they know more than me? Speak to him about what he wants and you shall know, but does he even know what he wants?

The phone rang and it was suppose to be a friend yet it was a strange mans voice. The bartender from the previous night was calling because he wanted to see my face at his bar. The friend went to see him before he took 5 weeks off. Disappointment as he said he thought we were going to hit it off. Strange as I did not get that feeling when meeting him, but was interested. He was disappointed to hear I had other plans, but wanted to say Hi. I didn’t know how to take that as I contemplated leaving and meeting up. I never would have left, but at least the thought was there.

Weak in the heart, I wonder if I am only setting myself up for heartbreak. I love him more than he loves me. I want something that maybe isn’t there. Do I secretly wish to change him? Even more feared by change than before is he damaged to the point of no return? I contemplate this when I make plans with another, wondering what I am doing and what I really want.

my stupid girl moment

I am a stupid girl stuck in a typical girl situation... What is wrong with me?? What is it about us girls that we are somehow programmed to crave the 'bad boy' and walk all over the 'good guy'. I know the best friend is the bad boy mothers warn their children to stay away from, and the X is the perfect guy who every mother wishes their daughters would marry.... Then there is ME who of course dates them both!

I cannot decide what I want! Part of me wants to be reckless and wild with the best friend. I am drawn to him. Everyone tells me he is not forever, it will not last, but I still am drawn towards him. As if in my mind I am trying to argue a reason as to why they are wrong. I know that he is trouble, it will never work, yet part of me hopes that even I am wrong. A piece of me wants to settle down with the best friend. More like I want him to want to settle down with me, but what in the world makes me think the bad boy best friend is ever going to change for me. Is it that we think we are so special that they will realize it too, and change into a perfect mold of what we think we want. What happens when they do change, do we realize that is not who or what we wanted? Take the X wife for instant she tried and tried to get him to change, finally he does and she leaves... Now is he tainted goods, damaged from ever really trusting anyone again?

The X is sad. He lacks the confidence to fight for me he just pouts instead. People crave excitement and entertainment rather than sleep and darkness or tears. Either way I think I am not meant for either one, which irritates me to all pieces after realizing how much time I have wasted on both of them.

Last night at the bar, I finally made it to a hang out with a friend. I really like this girl. She is a new friend but lives close. She is training to be an MMA fighter which is really exciting. Anyhow we met some interesting fellows at the bar. One was really pretty, the bar tender. He wants us to come back tonight. Tempted to quit all relationships currently on hold and run with my arms up in the air as if I do not know what to even fight for let alone who to fight for... then part of me misses each of them in their own disturbing ways. We shall see if I make it back to the bar, but it was interesting...

On a sadder note, the uncle is sick in the hospital. He may have prostate cancer and who knows what is going to happen. I believe he has been having problems for quite some time now, but not to this extreme. They said he went to a male clinic. I have no idea what that means or if that is a good or bad except it had been 3 hours and there was no word. I feel for my dad. I just pray it is minor and my uncle makes it through this.

Touch my soul

Damaged goods? After one break up, is it smart to enter another relationship? Both of us are coming off the relationship roller coaster, does that only doom our next relationship? Are men more likely to hold a grudge longer than women? Who will be more likely to more forward sooner? Perhaps it has more to do with what is at stake, and I have less at stake than him...

I am addicted to someone I hardly know, yet have known longer than anyone else I know. Does that intense passion fade over time? What is it we should be looking for? I want passion, I want to fight for something so real, yet I do not even know what I am fighting for anymore. I look back and I thought I was happy. I remember being happy with the X, yet in a single moment it disappears. I need something stronger than that. Something that latches onto my soul. Six years after Griffs death I still love him. I still miss him. Was that my moment? Is that my one? The one I am now looking for?

The poison I am addicted to

Monday madness! It is cold and damp. Flash Flood warnings have been issued since Friday, yet I have not seen a drop of rain. I want thunderstorms and lightening to fill the skies and there is nothing.

I think I inhaled too much paint this weekend. As the entire inside of the house was painted I sat and breathed in all the toxic fumes. I did absolutely nothing besides spend money on useless items. I saw the X for dinner on Sunday night. He said he would have me over to cook dinner. It was awkward and strange. He made a salad, appetizers, and dinner for me as he ate nothing. I thought he was going to actually cook, but it was all pre-frozen heated up dinners. I know he tried but it seemed like a half way attempt to be romantic or deemed as a nice gesture. I thought it was really strange having him watch me eat. Then we sat on the couch to watch ESPN. I was annoyed. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was bored. I could not stop thinking about what was missing, yet I wished it wasn’t. If I could make myself fall in love with someone, if I could make chemistry, he would be perfect. Unfortunately, my chemistry lies with the best friend who is anything but him. The best friend is trouble with many other interesting characteristics.

The best friend called Saturday morning which was surprising since he had his kids. He wanted me to come over. I was not sure what to say. His kids were going to be down for a nap for two hours and he said he would take that time to nap as well, yet wanted me to come over. I felt strange. I actually did not go over there, now I think he is bitter at that since he hasn’t called since. I figured I would try last night and he never answered. I am not sure how or what to do anymore. I go back and forth between the X and the best friend every other moment, yet what if neither of them are what I want. The X is a great guy then the best friend is just the best friend probably not the better choice of the two, yet I am drawn towards him. I always have been drawn to him. The chemistry is so strong its knee bending, mind altering, and that was what I complained about not having in my previous relationship, yet is that enough? Does the chemistry die and you are eft with a friend? For the last 16 years he has made my knees buckle, my heart spin, and my soul shake, but will it last into our adulthood? A scarier thought, does he feel the same passion I know deep within? I have come to realization that he is my poison…

We are at the point of no return. Either this time it will work, or it will be nothing more than the past. I hate to think we could never go back to the friendships we had when we were younger, but adults, men and women, do not have those types of relationships. It was fun while it lasted, but it will never be what it once was unless we are a couple. Are we a couple? Could we even be a couple? I contemplate that at moments when he says ‘my girlfriend’ if he is serious or testing it out. I have not figured out my place in his heart or his world and wonder if even he has. Perhaps he takes me for granted for always being there in the past, and maybe that is my fault. Either way I need to figure out what I want and fight for it. The problem is I do not know what to fight for….

A craving for change

The beginning of a weekend; what am I going to do now that I do not have a boyfriend attached at my side? My parents go to the hotter part of Las Vegas to hang out at one of the nice end hotel lifestyle resorts to drink wine, watch fireworks, and hang out by the pool. This year they are worried about me so they invite me along. I guess they are getting 6 rooms for all their buddies so that might be entertaining if there is nothing else to do.

So the ‘boyfriend’ had bought two tickets to the UFC fight on Saturday, July 5th. I am a big UFC fan and it was the best idea, which buying a ring and asking ‘the big question’ at a thing like that is so ME. I just wonder if I somehow knew and panic overtook my emotions. So since the dispute or break up, whatever it is we are doing these days, I obviously cannot ask for the tickets that might be odd. Instead the best guy friend (not the LIFER) called last night and asked if I wanted to go with him and his 5 guy friends to the fight. I must be ‘ONE of the guys’ but one day I will have a girlfriend and do girl things… maybe! I am so excited! I told him I would let him know today. Why would I possibly consider not going? Yes, I am having a girl moment and wanted to see what the ‘BFF for LIFE’ is doing. I know he said he wanted to go to the river which is so much fun in itself, but that doesn’t really mean he wants to take me along.

The river is a place we went when we were younger. We spent weeks, months, even days at the river hanging out on a doc riding sea-doos. This time his brother wants him to go. Depending on which brother and the amount of small children may determine if he or I end up there. I still am considering the fight and a random weekend with the rents.

So awhile ago I met the ‘boyfriend’ or whatever he should be called these days, in San Diego. I sat next to this lady who seemed really fun she said she would call and we would hang out. I did not really believe that she would call or we would ever talk past the plane, but she did. Last night she wanted to know how I was doing, and if wee could hang out sometime. I mentioned the boyfriend situation/break up deal. She said she would be my friend. How funny is that! Hey maybe I found an actual ‘girlfriend’ deal. We shall see what happens, but my goal is to do something different. I need a hobby to reclaim my social life. I was considering wine tasting, knitting clubs or groups, possibly book clubs or anything else I could find. What do people do my age besides drink at bars and club? Funny how that is all I know how to do, being born and raised in Las Vegas maybe that should tell me something.

I need physical activities as well, which I decided I want to reclaim my body. Even though I didn’t gain the ‘relationship weight’ I still want to get buff or change something. The desire for change… I was considering hair, clothes, make up, even tattoos. I am not sure how drastic or extreme things will become but we shall see.

My GIRL moment...

A P test? What? I called my doctor to see if I could get a refill on an old prescription of the BC pill. I have never encountered a monthly moment until now. I am suddenly suffering from womanly moments and it needs to stop. I was told to consult the BC pill to curb the bodily pain. In order to refill a lapsed prescription I have to take a pregnancy test to confirm it is negative before I will be given the prescription.

I choked on nothingness. I fiercely tried to recall if there could even be the slightest possibility and choked on the notion that it was a good idea. It happens to some, but why would I ever put myself in such a position. I am horrified at the thought that there could potentially be a possibility. More like I am in a straight panic because that is not something I want nor am able to handle during this period of my life.

I am in a piece of transition right now and am freaking out as to what tomorrow may bring rather than 9 months from now. I am in the middle of a decision, and I am a very indecisive person. I was in a relationship for 3 years. I decided after making an effort on things that began to drive me crazy to try to explain this to my significant other. He took it as it is over, being the stubborn individual he is, he walked out. I then felt a sense of freedom, as if I had been hiding who I really am to fit into someone else’s world. I am ghetto at heart. I crave excitement and adventure. I live for the underdog, and love meeting new people. The boyfriend was the complete opposite. So how did we make it work for so long? Yuppie and conservative, sincere and sweet, my inner-self has been subsided long enough. If it was my decision I would be covered in INK, yet he hates tattoos. The only thing holding me back is this professional career that would never last if I was completely covered in INK.

I have been hiding deep within perhaps in fear of loss. I lost the one person I really connected with, and I thought that was a once in a life-time deal. I guess maybe this is a good thing. I mean who knows they met the one when they are 10 years old. I had nothing to compare him to. Rarely does it ever last that long, unless you can be friends through everything. Now that we are older and know what we do not like, it somehow always comes back to that first kiss, that first moment, and he is always the person standing behind that thought. I guess now I realize how amazing he was or is and I just didn’t know because I had nothing to compare him to. Sad that it had to happen this way, but then again if it didn’t I may have never met Griff and that is something I could never live without.

I looked into his eyes. Even though he isn’t the super skinny boy I once knew he is the same person and it is his eyes that tell me so. I never believed in such talk, yet when I am with him everything seems perfect. I never want to leave, and that is how it should be. Unfortunately, when with the boyfriend I was always preoccupied and never really into him like that. I look back and even though I am mad because he doesn’t act a certain way after 3 years I really have to stop and consider, well did he EVER act that way. Were we ever that RAWR? I mean it is one thing to LOSE the spark, but it is something entirely different if we were never RAWR to begin with…? That is something that I think most people do not consider when they miss someone or want things to change. I cannot change him nor make myself spark with him, it just happens and not sure why it happens so easily with the friend but it works.

My breaking point

When no one is around, who do I crave most? If I was to leave for a moment, who would I think about first?

I contemplate if there is not such thing as a perfect mate let alone a perfect relationship. It takes two to work at something perfect. I may not magically fit into the life of another, but if he is worth it I will work to make my mark. I just contemplate as to whether I want to change my mind.

Either way I know there was obviously something that was not right, yet how do we fix it to make it right? Is there a moment that passes and it is too late to fix what once was. It will never be the SAME, but obviously the SAME is why I left to begin with. It will either be better or worse. Is he worth it to find out for better or worse? Somethings you can change or fix and other things will never change. A word of advice from an elder suggests that the habits I dislike now will only intensify once we are married. They will magnify by hundreds over years of time. I have to decide if these things bother me so much that I will not be able to live with them for a really long time. I wonder if habits can be changed without changing the person.

A messy person can become a clean person? A smelly person can become a fragrant person? A lazy person can become more active? A quiet boyfriend can become a romantic? I wonder when it will become too much. I listen to the best friend complain about the x-wife and how he never wanted to get married to start with. Doomed from the beginning? As she changed his life he sat and allowed it all, at what point was it the final straw? When is your breaking point?

I don't know my breaking point? I guess somewhere between best friend and lack of energy. Have I changed so much that I require more than previously? Did he regress rather than progress forward? Perhaps our fire has burnt out, why then has the spark of the best friend lasted so long?

Today in time...

It has happened.... I guess I would be more devastated if it was actually meant to be. I went to speak to the boyfriend on behalf of my feelings and everything that had happened in the last week. It turned out bad. We broke up. I thought I was devastated, or that it wasn't what I wanted but I think I am trying to convince myself I should be more upset than I am. I look back at my blog entries and I had been unhappy previously I just never said anything. I feel horrible about it because I feel like I lost a part of me. I lost a friend who is a beautiful person, the only problem is I see him as that and not as someone I am in love with.

I have decided to confide in my best friend, and I wonder if that is a good decision or not. They say guy and girls may never be just friends which I have argued that point for so long, but maybe this relationship is one of those never friends types. I have 3 guys friends that have been there through it all. They are part of me and they are the ones I run to in time of need. The longest time friend I am the closest to, which "longest time" doesn't say much since I have known the other since I was 10 years old. Just this one we are the same age and there is something more there. Probably because there is some sort attraction more so than the others. I love them all, but granted maybe me and the longest time friend could possibly evolve into something more.

At the bar he leans over and calls me his LIFER. I laughed and said BBF for LIFE! He smiled and told me that he knew when he met me that I would be a part of his life for LIFE. I didn't know how to react. Part of me should remain single, then the other part of me wants to be spontaneous and sporadic and do wild and crazy things. He invited me over for dinner. He BBQ'd cooked and cleaned, provided wine, music, and we talked. It was a side of him I had never witnessed before. I was amazed at how I could know someone so well yet still be shocked at moments. I was so happy. I wanted to stay this happy and remain in this moment forever. I said I wanted to keep him and he said I am all yours. I did not know how to respond. What does that mean?

He tried to give me a key to his house, which freaked me out slightly. Then later a friend asked how he was doing with the death of his friend and the funeral the previous day, he replied, "I am great, I have the love of my life back and friends what more could I ask for." Everyone looked at me. I didn't know what to say. I was nervous and embarrassed. Part of me was sad for the ex-boyfriend, then other part of me was overly excited and happy.

I do not know where this is going or if it is anything that will even take off. I do know that it has opened my eyes to different things and what I had needs a lot of work when this right in front of me is what I have been yearning for, for SO LONG!

I know he has his issues and his moments, but is this really something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. My best girlfriend laughs at me because she remembers when were 14 years old and me telling her I was going to marry him one day. Of course every girl says that about the first guy they fall in love with, but something about us that everyone else believed it too. I just wonder if I am trying to relive the previous feelings rather than the new and current emotions.

I of course miss the ex-boyfriend when I am alone or bored. I cannot tell if I miss him for him or if I miss the company of another. I am trying to sort through all the emotions racing through my head, and I wonder if being alone is the best idea or if being with another will show me what I have been missing or craving for so long. I am so lucky to have him in my life. It is not everyday that an adult is able to try again with the first person she ever loved or even liked... and I wonder at times how different we are if perhaps we can grow together into an adult relationship rather than the childhood crush we once knew. Only time will tell, just nervous and giddy over my best friend someone I have known almost my whole entire life.

Hope its not contagious

Is it in the air? Is it in my past, or even possibly embedded in my veins? Or even more clever is my past embedded in my veins effecting everything? I become annoyed, distant, and confused to those that love me. How does it just dissolve suddenly, or was it never even there to begin with?

The confusion associated with emotions is where I am at today. I have an amazing boyfriend. He is gorgeous, loving, and committed to me. So then what is the problem? Chemistry is not something that you can create. I cannot make myself love someone, although I wish I could. I completely love him, but I know I am not in love with him. That chemistry physical attraction that I crave is stuck on something else or dormant in the past. I love him dearly but dearly may not make my blood pressure rise or my heart melt. Is it suppose to be that way? Do we marry our best friends? Is that the secret to making it work? Does the chemistry run out? I heard once, sometimes the only way to put out a blazing fire is to let it burn out? Or do they last forever? I contemplate if there was no fire to begin with , then what drew me close to start? have I been trying to express that this whole time? Not as if you can make yourself love someone, or can you?

I ran to a mountain to escape from the lack of adrenaline. I moved to another state to escape the commitment. I think it is evident even more today, yet I do not want to admit it in fear of heart ache.

Tuesday, June 17th another friend died. He had a heart attack. Who has a heart attack in their 20's? It is never ending, this cycle of death that haunts the younger years. I went with the best friend revisiting old pictures of childhood memories, and I wanted to cling to every moment in time. Perhaps because I was so happy before I knew death so well? They say that your teen years are to be the most difficult, but for many of my fellow friends they were their last years. I would not relive any moment of any of it unless I could change the fate of their deaths.

Sitting with him my heart began to race, my skin began to tingle, and I felt something that had been dormant for a really long time. He looked at me and said "you are my lifer." Friends for life who would have thought when we were 11 years old we would have been friends for life. I sure didn't but he swears he knew. Comfort mixed with conversation and laughter... is that what I am craving, or is there something more that we cannot see. With the death of a close friend we cling to each other. In moments like these I always cling to those closest to me, it just concerns me that I cling to my best friend rather than my boyfriend. Is that something that should be addressed?

This weekend is the funeral. Saturday will be a difficult day so I pray for strength and guidance to keep us strong and safe.

Adults and Alcohol DO NOT mix!

Cinco de Mayo... Why is it at every party we attend the drunks always become dramatic, the loving become affectionate, and the single become emotional?

I dislike drinking at parties. I am beyond the norm and dislike the feeling of alcohol or being drunk. I like being in control, and I do not want to be part of the dramatic.

Perhaps the ONLY sober person at the party I listen to the drama. First the dramatic couple argues, then the newest breakup turns bad, then the newest relationship is over and a secret relationship has been revealed, a boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend, a sister cheats on a brother, and another heart is broken... all in one night.

One friend asks if we ever have drama... sure we do, but there is a place and a time for everything and a party with drunks is not the place nor the time.

I was tired of my boyfriend being swept away to resolve a spat or dispute of another couple. I knew it was going to be intense, but dramatic is not what I had in mind. Adults more immature than teenagers. I felt as if I was at a high school party, but even then I did not act as stupid or careless. They wonder why I do not want to drink or hang out with the drunks.

Intense Human Interaction

I once thought I was addicted to physical response... in other words SEX. If you ask my previous relationship, or best guy friend this would be true. However, in my current relationship you would not even recognize me. My problem, I am still this bottled ball of energy about to explode, I crave intense human interaction on a daily basis unfortunately for some odd reason it is not present in my current relationship. Is that a sign that my relationship is in trouble? I must consider back to the beginning where this relationship was never built on or around intense human interaction so basically that is not the foundation for our relationship, yet sometimes I wish it was. How do I embed it into our existence? I need intense human interaction about as much as I need the AIR I breathe! I have not figured out what is better... or more importantly what I want... A perfect world I would have both the substance and the intense physical interaction, unfortunately I am without words on this one. I just better stay away from those that bring the intense moments from my past into my present if I want this relationship to last.

On my path...

It has begun... I feel so small and insignificant on days like today. I had no where to be, nothing to do, and lost in a town full of people rushing to their next destination. A soul from the past, only writes when she needs or wants something, and this time I was not sure if I should respond or not. She is going to have a baby and is getting married. In other words she is going to be a mother. Hope she is a better mother than her mother was to her, but what do I say back to her. Part of me was jealous on this over exaggerated level, then the other part of me was completely creeped out as if I or we are too young to be having babies and getting married. I do not want kids, at least this is what I tell myself and everyone around me, but I often wonder if I am only unsure because I have not found the right person yet. Thoughts I should not have if I plan on getting married in my current relationship.

An electronic message haunts my thoughts. Actually another soul from the past wrote words I am not sure I wanted to hear. Checking in to see how I was doing, to let me know he misses me a lot and would like to see me. How does that work when I live in another state and practically with my boyfriend? How does that work? Is that common talk, or is he serious? Am I seriously debating text messages from an old flame?

Strange how I branched out and possibly contacted him first. Myspace is harmless yet a whole different world. A comment turns into a message, a message turns into a text, and next thing you know they want to see you. Strange how he has been on my mind lately... I think more for physical reasons than anything else, yet I wonder if that could possibly be a sign.

A relationship that was never meant to last, and 7 years later he still misses me. A rebound turned into a physical connection. I never thought I had anything substantial with him since we had nothing in common, but the chemistry was so overwhelming it was the basis for our time together. Strange how today in my current state I am craving that intensity in a relationship that has lost its glow. The same intensity I thought would never last in a relationship past does not exist at my current state. Is it me? Do I only crave what I do not have? If I left tonight would I miss him tomorrow? The problem is I live in the moment. With every breath my mind shifts and my decisions are altered. Today what I think may not be how I feel tomorrow...

A week ago I was sure of myself, and today I am uncomfortable. I blame his immediate family, and possibly his extended family. They adore me as far as I can tell, yet living so close has definitely put a serious strain on our relationship. I am contemplating life without them, but often I think I consider life without him as well. A question that can determine the rest of your life... it is suppose to be the simplest answer you will ever give, yet why is this so hard? Is that my answer right there? I find myself missing my old life, my single life. I find myself day dreaming about the past, is that because I am so into the present as I should be?

I am horrible at making decisions, and the universe has a way of somehow figuring these things out for me. Possibly if I make the wrong decision will they universe magically fix this one as well...? I would like to think so, but I am afraid it may not be that simple this time. Although I would like to agree that when on the right path the universe has magical ways of trying to keep you headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, I may have to make some wrong decisions before I find the right ones.

My contradiction

It was only a matter of time before I contradicted my latest post... I have had nothing but drama and lack of sleep this last month. I have encountered everything from erotic thoughts to doubt and stress.

I am without understanding. I made a decision and come find the universe disagreed with the decision made so it made a different one for me. To know there is this lingering fate that comes and goes without approval. It is because perhaps we cannot see the bigger picture, so we have to keep faith that the bigger picture will be better than our current state.

Six years ago I would agru that the "bigger picture" is a load of rubish. Six years ago he died, and if now this is my bigger picture I was right... The lingering sadness that is present in every waking moment is nothing close to great or better. I was so happy with nothing to fear, now today I have an angel that watches over every step I make because he is no longer able to hold me close, instead he can only see me from afar. Death in my perception can never be made better in the bigger picture. One may argu that the loss of one life is not the end of the world compared to the loss of many, but to one person the loss of that one life may be the end of their world.

I sit contemplating my feelings, my emotions, my past, and my future. Here I sit on the floor of my boyfriend's house yearning for another. Is it fair to be in love with your past, yet living in the present? I contemplate if I am settling for today because I lack the desire to live for tomorrow. I crave intense interaction. I yearn for uncontrolable chemistry from a complete stranger. I look for reasons to not be present in my own reality. Have I become one of those people I mock because they do not take actions for their emotions or control of their own lives? Do I love him because he loves me?

I contemplate what is making me act or feel this way. It is strange. Without him I cannot breathe, as if I am drowning unable to breathe simple air. I not only love him but my soul hurts when he is not around. My heart aches knowing that I will never feel or touch him again. Our relationship has developed into something no one can understand. I know him not as the person I saw him as, but the soul that occupied the body I loved, and I miss that human interaction. In other words I miss him!

My decision...

I think this trip was a blessing for my relationship. I made a decision and I am happy with that decision. It breaks my heart that I would choose someone over someone I have know the majority of my life, but that isn't fair that I have to choose. My best friend brought this upon himself when he decided to not keep in touch for the 2 years that his marriage lasted. Now that his marriage is dissolving he thinks he can just come back into my life and I am suppose to drop everything for him.

I should be angry at him for not calling me for the last 2 years, or that he thinks that he is so important that I will drop everything. I am not mad at him because he is that friend that has been there always. Our relationship is different that most, but I this time I will not let this one destroy what I have. He is making me choose between having him as a friend and the one I am in love with and that is selfish.

I decided to tell my boyfriend what is going on with the tough decision that I struggle with. I told him I decided to no longer see my best friend, hang out with him, or call him. I told him that it breaks my heart that he is making me choose between him and my boyfriend, but he wants more than I can give. My boyfriend was glad to hear what I was going through. I explained that I do not want to put myself in a situation where it could potentially destroy our relationship. He agreed that I don't hang out with him for awhile. I hope in this time that he finds what he is looking for, a friend, a love, a relationship, strength, whatever he needs. Maybe we will never be friends again... I mean we were never really the just friends, we were always closer than that on a different level with the possibility of something. even though something never really happened, there is always that possibility and I do not want it now.

For the last 2 years that he hasn't called I found someone who I want to be my best friend, and now that he needs a friend, a crutch, a distraction from his drama, I just can no longer be that person.

Finally, I am comfortable in my decision even though it breaks my heart. I do not want to loose him, but if he really is my best friend he will understand. He made that decision when he decided 2 years ago to shut me out for someone else. Unfortunately it comes to this, but I have to do what is best for me and my relationship, and I choose my relationship.

San Francisco Trip

In the city of LOVE I found what I was looking for....

The boyfriend and I went to San Francisco for the weekend. I was a little skeptical about how the event would go considering we have not done anything like this before. This was our first alone trip. I was nervous he wouldn't have fun. It was almost like I don't know my own boyfriend out of our natural element.

We decided to backpack around the city and not have to worry about suitcases so we could go to as many different places as possible. We flew right into the city and headed toward Union Square. We then proceeded to check out different tourist spots. We saw the Warf, the Golden Gate bridge, Golden Gate park, Alamo Square. Haight and Ashbury, China Town, and of course shopping. We then headed back to Union Square to check out more shopping. We had a company party to attend Saturday night so we hopped on the Bart to Pleasanton. We got ready and went to the Black Hawk Antique Car Museum for dinner and drinks.

The food was unbelievable. We didn't stay too long we were exhausted from the the long day. We decided to take the first bus back to the hotel after taking pictures with the cars. We got up early on Sunday to head back into the city where we spent most of the day at the Warf. We walked up Embarcadero and visited the different shops and experienced the ocean front view. Where I finally found a scarf and sweatshirt. I found the cutest bag that was so cheap, of course that was exciting.

Our goal was to find matching jackets sweatshirts. It is harder than it sounds to find a small women's jacket or shirt that matches a men's large sweatshirt. We headed back to Union square where we found the best chocolate drinks EVER, but no jackets.

The Bart ride back was fun, we had one on one time without the distractions of the TV or books or the daily materials of our lives. We arrived to the airport early and were able to hop on an early flight. Thank goodness because I didn't want to sit in the airport for another hour.

The trip was wonderful! While sitting on a double deck tourist bus we listened as they called San Francisco the home of Cupid where a bow and air marked the city. I didn't really read too far into the story, but once leaving I felt closer and happier in my relationship and wish I knew more.

A consume addicition

In this time of foreclosure and high prices I find myself addicted to the modern everyday materials that makes us human. 

I cannot seem to stop spending money on useless items. Items that are not needed are being purchased at an alarming rate. I am unable to control my habit or addiction to accessories to make me more socially accepted. I am craving acceptance. I purchased more make up today. I am annoyed as I plan to save for college, a wedding, a house, and a future., yet I continue to buy stupid items that are wasteful and unnecessary. 

I keep thinking it will go away after this last purchase, but it has yet to stop. First it was the bag, then the clothes, then the makeup, and then electronics. When will it stop?

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Unable to fit in the clothes that are provided, unable to style my hair, or apply my make up, I fidget until I find more. I am craving change and stability. I want something different or something new, although I have yet to discover what it is exactly I am searching for. In the mean time I continue to buy these items thinking I am helping.

Passion undiscovered

Unable to sleep I stalk this sight late at night. Knowing the the early morning hours will be present soon, and the responsibilities of tomorrow will soon arrive I sit unable to sleep. Lately I have been in a million places at one time, unable to relax. 

I was never that person who would lay on the bed unable to sleep. Today, I am that person who lays on the bed for moments waiting as her mind to stop spinning. Unable to stop the chatter as I sit the thoughts clutter my nights, I contemplated a book.

I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do. What I wouldn't give for one passionate hobby, instead of a million pieces of something. I sat watching the final moments of the Idol show, where strangers poured their emotions out for a camera. Passion filled their hearts as they wanted something so bad it resulted in tears when it did not happen they way they had hoped. I watched speechless, for I did not understand the tears. Nothing in my life have I been that passionate about that it would result in tears. Absolutely nothing... I contemplate what energy I have consumed previously and what I may have loved so much that without it could have appeared as the end of the world if it did not happen. The only thing that comes to mind is him, not a hobby or a talent, but the death of him. The only time in my life when I thought tomorrow would never come. The only time in my life when nothing else mattered but yesterday. It is not the same so I may never fully understand, but the disappointment perhaps that I can grasp. 

Still what I wouldn't give to become that passionate about something...  Maybe it is inside of me just waiting to escape, and I have yet to find the one thing that will set it free... until then I will continue to love an angel and live in a world I do not understand.

A difficult decision is made...

I am becoming a different person. Perhaps the early rising morning person was never really me, I only wished I was a morning person. As the nights grow longer and the days shorter I crave sleep yet am unable to obtain that dream state until the early morning hours. With the busy schedule and lack of consistency I wonder when it will end.

I have been distant from expressing my thoughts lately. Perhaps because things are on an up, and I am less likely to complain when things are good. I still am confused, lost, and unknown yet things are different. Perhaps I am growing into an adult, and I seek commitment or change.

I have decided to make a decision, as I stared at a rock that had our names carved into it in the 7th grade I contemplated what he would do if I handed it to him. I heart him is what is read on a smooth rock. Would make it worse if I actually handed it to him. Would he understand my decision? I may never fully get over him, but I did a great job of moving on.

Disappointment presented itself in the tone of his voice. He wanted to spend time with me, yet there is no point to our time together. I decided, I love my boyfriend. I am happy in my relationship. I want to move forward in my relationship. I do not want to be a step-mom, or deal with the constant drama of the ex-wife, nor do I want to live in fear of him reconnecting with her in his future. 

With this decision made, my heart breaks as I realize I am losing a friend. Unable to see him I decided it is for the best, for it only creates problems in my current relationship. Does he have this radar in his head to only find me when I am at finally happy again? With thoughts of him settling I cling to the disappointing rather than noticing the good. I do not want to sabotage my relationship, I want to enjoy myself. Sticking to my decision I failed to answer my phone when it rang. Perhaps in a different time or place things would have been different, and we would have been together. Unfortunately it is not today or at this time.

Love is blind

World's longest meeting ever has caused me to seek other sources of entertainment. I hate this phone. It has no mute, no speaker, no headset, and it is the most uncomfortable thing. I just sit with a crooked neck for hours.

I have decided I love my boyfriend, yet the worldly distractions could actually cloud my emotions and cause for bad judgement. The hardest part he does not realize the interference with my emotions is pushing us over the edge. He is adorable in the sense that he is clueless, but stupid for the fact that he could potentially lose me. Does he not want to see this happening, or does he really not notice?

I went out with the best friend again. I happened to be right by his house which isn't that rare considering I live a mile from him and 35 miles from my boyfriend. After going to dinner with my parents, we went to cash his check at the nearest casino and then went to sushi. I don't know what exactly I want. He is my best friend, but for what reason? Simply because I have known him almost my whole life, or is there an underlying, unspoken emotional bond or attachment to him that I try not to admit? While driving he spoke to a friend, and said I am with my girl everything will be okay. I suddenly felt as if our relationship went from undefined friends to dating. Without physical contact could we potentially be dating by hanging out on a regular basis? I didn't know how to respond, but I felt my heart pounding. Pounding because I love my boyfriend, yet racing because of some other reason I have yet to discover.

During dinner he spoke of the past. I could sense he was thinking of emotional times which could also cloud judgements in the present. Do we act on emotions in the past while living in the present? How do we distinguish between the two? Then again if they are still present how did they last so long?

Either way before I decide on my future I must determine my present and the added pressure or baggage of my boyfriends environment is the first to be changed. Either it changes or I will have to find some courage to venture out on my own. He deserves a chance to fix things to make it work, yet I am disturbed that he doesn't notice that I am upset or unhappy. Even the dads wife who I hardly ever see or speak to understood immediately asking questions. The best friend knew right away things were not right. How does the person closest to me not see it? Is he blinded by love, emotion, desire, or does he not care to notice because it does not effect him yet?

Love is blind, yet afterwards we contemplate how we could have been so blinded by our surroundings. Is it my job as the unhappy girlfriend to speak out and tell him to pay attention or notice, or is it his job as the loving boyfriend to notice that I am pulling away and acting distant?

Past Present and Future all in TODAY!

The past, present, and future... I contemplate all of the above perhaps more often than liked. I know that the future does not exist so why would I fuss over something that has not happened yet? I long to know what has not happened. If it has not happened yet, then there should be nothing left to worry about. Yet we as people do such things daily.

The PAST is over. It no longer exists so why do we bother our minds with things we cannot change. In every decision of everyday I make with some reference to the past. In part it is no longer, yet it shaped me into who I have become.

The PRESENT is now, and I am spending my moments worrying about what has happened and what will happen. It is a never ending cycle, as I worry about tomorrow or what I did yesterday I create a pattern that in tomorrow I will then worry about what I did today that created my tomorrow. How does it end?

My present emotions clouded by my past emotions. The past no longer exists yet how do these emotions remain so strong, unresolved issues that are clouding my present linger in unhidden spots as I contemplate tomorrow. I contemplate if my past met my future would it be perfect. I then contemplate if my present meets tomorrow would it be better. IS that all we are doing is continually searching for perfect? Is there ever going to be such a thing as perfect, so in fact we actually searching for nothing?

Ready to scream in public

I did it again. The dreaded dream. What makes this one different from many past? I fear in the back of my mind because I acted in foresight with his death that such thoughts create future happenings. I had a dream the past three nights that my best friend died in a car crash. I was horrified. I was a total wreck. The difference between this dream and a vision past is I was actually living it, experiencing the moment as if it were present time. In the vision past I never was living it fully I watched it happen. Different not really except it was foggy and the feeling was not real as if it could have been changed or did not exist. If a loved one dies in front of your eyes you become hysterical, yet I watched as if they could not see me watching. Different but both horrifying to experience. Does that help when contemplating why my brain would create such horrible moments in midst deep sleep, no not at all actually.

The best friend links us together, without him would there be no us? Is that what I am searching for, a way out? When I ask for a way out, what relationship am I contemplating?

Last night bothered me to the point of almost screaming. Ever been in a restaurant and wished you were a small child? A small child like those that will not stop screaming at the top of their lungs because something is wrong. Where did we go wrong? Somewhere between small child and adult we internalize that screaming rather than converting it to words. Standing in the middle of the restaurant I wanted to scream like small child for everything that was wrong in my world, yet I said nothing and simply remained calm.

The boyfriends mother is such a nice person, but is she to over involved in our lives to the point that it is straining our relationship. When we drive places, he drives her, and I meet them there. Which is not strange, except if she is going somewhere different he will drive her car and her somewhere and I am suppose to pick him up there. Not as if she is 100 years old she is well capable of driving her self. I cannot figure out if that is petty of me, or if the small things are accumulating into one large mess. Perhaps I never noticed it at first, but it is beginning to bother me. A wasted trip, time, gas, and lack of effort on her part.

Arriving to dinner we were given a booth his mother went to sit next to him while I was to sit across from him. Strange I felt as if I was the third wheel in a relationship, where I am the girlfriend. FINALLY, he said no that it was weird and she moved, but that is one moment compared to many.

Recently, the older brother was bothered by her remarks. Instead of calling him by his name I call him boyfriend. I am not sure why or when but it started as a reminder to remind myself that I had a boyfriend since I was never the sort. It sort of stuck and others began quite fond of the nickname, yet when others call refer to him as boyfriend it bothers me slightly but only some. It became even weirder when started calling him boyfriend. It was creepy and his older brother said something, but she disregards it as if it is cute. I have not figured out what to say or what to think. If only our space could be limited but this is taking a huge effect on our relationship. Am I too nice that I say nothing? Will it in turn break us up? Then back to the lingering question, am I searching for reason for distance, space, or a break up? I contemplate if his mother was not embedded in his every moment would our relationship be different, would be closer to marriage? Would I feel more comfortable about marriage? What is now is real, and that is all I must deal with along with linger emotions.

Lurking emotions

Yesterday I went to visit the friend. She is practically my only female friend these days. I tend to flake off and disappear at times in commitment. She complained about doing the same. In a similar situation she lives with the boyfriend and misses her own space. I stay with the boyfriend pushing further and further away as we get close.

I hear that according to the England Medical Journal, college girls drink, party, stalk bars looking for that hook up just as much as the guys do. So for everyone who thinks men are pigs, perhaps it isn't men but the men in your life.

I am not so innocent myself, but perhaps it is seen as so because women are better at hiding things. She complained about missing the single life, stalking the bars, the random hook ups, flirting, and then we wondered if we were meant for one single person. I felt as if she was speaking the words that were hiding in the back of my mind screaming to get out. She felt what I felt, is this normal or are we so similar that we both think and feel alike? There are those people who mesh well together, are born to be wives and mothers, then I wonder if there are people more like me and my friend. People that crave intense situations, passion, romance, yet mystery, and variety. Does that mean we will eventually settle down? If we do settle too early will that in turn destroy our passion and desire lurking beneath the surface? Does he even realize how social one is, when he sits day after day in front of the TV? Strange how ones desire for laziness can in turn bring another closer and closer as if it is contagious.

Perhaps we struggle with what men have been struggling with for so long. Commitment? Not as if you can put the love or relationship on hold until you are ready. I know deep within that he is forever, but why do I want more now as if forever will never come, or just isn't today.

I think of him and contemplate how I can love him so much, yet still want to explore more. Does that even work? IS that what commitment is? Should we not be so committed if we are not married? Am I lacking my own personal space and crave air fresh clean air? When I enter his house I feel the walls moving closer to my body as if it is trying to lock me in. The moment I leave I feel free and different, is that psychological or what?

My ultimate thought needs to be answered, do I want to be free, or do I simply want another? If I want another why I am I still here, in fear that it would never work? Or do I just want an excuse to leave? So many questions in my head, yet no one is there to answer them. Why, must I contemplate all of this so soon. He is not the wrong person, I am just in the wrong state of mind. So I think... That question must be answered before I can answer the next. I am searching for answers, clues, keys, thoughts, understandings that he is the right person. How would I know or could I tell? My parents have been married for 28 years and they have a strong marriage, but they do had nervous moments in the beginning. How does one determine the difference? Once decided he is my one, will the commitment fears will melt away, or be addressed at a later state in time?

After speaking with the friend, I could not help but call the best friend. Listening to him play with his children I contemplated what I wanted. Do I want a lifestyle of kids and responsibility? I speak of commitment and suffocation, yet I move closer and closer to loads of responsibility the closer I get to him. I am stuck in the past, my emotions of 15 years ago are clouding my judgements of today. How strong is one emotion or feeling that could be first felt 15 years ago, that it could alter my decisions of now? I always listened to the thoughts that your first love never dies, perhaps that is why you should not be friends later in adult life.

Knitting skills exposed

Simply because I knit does not mean I want to make you a sweater, so why do people ask? I received a phone call from the boyfriends dads wife. (so called step-mom but if I ever said that, that might be devastating) She wanted to know if I would make her grand-daughter a baby blanket. Do these people not realize that this take a month of my time, not to mention I do not want to do this. Of course what can you say to them really? She offers to pay me for my time, but lets be honest here no one is going to pay you what your time is worth especially considering that the total for the supplies was $50. At least I as smarter this time around, considering that if I went to the store to pick out the items I would spend too much money and I would never receive my funds. I think even $50 was over her budget as she sighed when the cashier rang up the items.

I began with the pattern she had picked out. A crocheted baby blanket. I followed the pattern for 30 rows until I realized it is AWFUL! So I started over making up a pattern as I went. If she does not like too bad.

Yesterday the phone rings as the girl tells me her name even after hearing her name I had no idea who she was. Apparently the word is out, and the boyfriends best friends girlfriend also wants me to make her a blanket. WHAT? Why would anyone think I want to make a gift for them to give to someone else. She wants a baby blanket also. She said she would pay me, but really how much would someone spend for a handmade baby blanket. Frustrated I agreed to make another blanket by March. Contemplating what to tell her when she asks how much I turned to my mother. She said log your time, which is ridiculous considering that would never turn out good. Can I charge a friend to make something for someone else, or is purchasing the supplies enough? I consider this when thinking what would he do. His best friend is giving him a discount on my engagement ring, but discount is the key word. Unfortunately it is different, however he still plans to make a profit off his friend with a minimal discount offered.

The boyfriend said I never should have agreed. Really you think? When someone you do not talk to on the phone, you do not even have their number calls you directly to ask if you will do something how do you say no? I guess perhaps I am a nicer person than that. It is not as if I do not enjoy knitting or crocheting, but it is just annoying that people assume I want to make these for people for free.

Flustered Behavior

It has been a quick minute since I have been on the Internet blog sites. I tried to be a good employee and do my job, yet they seem to frown upon that. I voluntarily asked if I could come into the office this week, and they want to know why. I guess I will not try to work anymore why waste my energy trying when they keep shutting down everything I do. Strange how this company works.

I notice as my frustration builds with work my surrounds suffer. Boggled by the people around me I contemplated if it was them or perhaps me. For a moment I felt trapped, stuck, as if the walls were moving and I could not breathe. Different than perhaps a shut in where they need the walls to survive, I could not wait to be outside amongst the pollution filled noise congested cold air. I feel as if I have been taking it out on my boyfriend the more he squeezes the faster I run. I have been like this as long as I can remember. In fear of commitment or making the wrong choice in anything I do. Hence, why I am so indecisive in anything I do. I thought perhaps it pertained to the moderate to extreme OCD behavior, but then I contemplate if perhaps it is just me.

Friend Log: New Year's Eve

I decided after delicate consideration that I will take part in a personal log. It may never be used, but I have read documents of cases on abuse where a simple journal or log has saved the lives of some or convicted others. Since the situation is sticky, I would prefer to remain distant, and I want no part of anything. However if ever needed I have a log that might help in the event that it becomes worse.

New Year's Eve: The best friend said he was going to stay in for the night. Strange how staying in going to bed early makes us perceive ourselves as old. Thinking he was too old for the festivities of the night he made his decision, and said he would call later.

Early New Year's Day: The best friend had a drama filled night, and perhaps he had no where to vent. It must be harder for guys to complain to other guys for my guy friends find comfort in venting to me. Is it useful? That I do not know, but I must be doing something correct otherwise they probably would have stopped by now.

Since he decided he was too old for bars and parties a friend was at his house. He said he heard a key in the door and suddenly the ex-wife kicked open the door. Yelling as she broke a picture frame hanging on a wall and glasses around she made him talk.

(I remember how angry she got at him once when I was there back in high school. He was with his friends storming into his parents house slamming doors and yelling she pointed to him and the back room, and said you and me let's go. So this actually was not hard to imagine at all. Not to mention our last encounter at the bar where she just storms into a public place yelling at him.)

He said he went up stairs as she yelled at him. Apparently she thought he had females over, which I cannot figure out if she wants to catch him in the act of something so that she has a reason to blame the divorce or if she is just bitter at him. Since there were no females and she perhaps realized it was not just her house but his as well, she decided she was going to tell the police that he pushed her down the stairs as she stormed out. Nervous that the cops were going to show up and arrest him he cleaned up the broken glass and waited.

I am not sure if this was a cry for help or an actual threat. Strange how two people can be so alike, no wonder they were friends. In high school a friend often threatened guys of suicide if they left or broke up, strange how they remind me of each other.

He said he took back the necklace that he bought her. An expensive piece of jewelry, I cannot imagine that went over too well. Perhaps that is where the indication of the stairs came in out of anger and thought of revenge. The hard part of hearing a story, everyone has their own opinion and views of what happened even the friend present probably had his own thoughts as well if he didn't end up running for cover.

The police never showed, perhaps because she barged into his house at 4am in the morning accusing him of cheating. Later after dropping off the kids she wanted an apology from him. At least according to him he stood his ground. He said words I often thought myself, "I wish I never met you" as I remember times wishing he never met her either. Then I think about the past and even though she is a bit crazy or extreme she perhaps did help him, but how do you weigh that in with all the bad?

Days prior while sitting at the bar he mentioned a time when she tried to run him over with her car. He did not understand then that, that was not normal and that is not an indication of love. So how would he understand now. A busted lip and hurting in front of his parents house he got back in the car with her. I often wonder why women do such things, but him why? Does he not think someone is out there that would treat him with respect?

It breaks my heart listening to his story. I cry over the thought of him hurting. When I heard they were back together I hoped in the back of my heart that they resolved their issues, unfortunately I was wrong. If I had hoped they could resolve their problems, I cannot imagine how she felt or feels or even how he feels wanting something that just is not there. It explained why he had not called in so long, to resolve his relationship he had to make sacrifices and unfortunately our friendship was part of that.

Only in the present will be regret what was done in the past. For my future I hope to never regret what is done today.

Sisters know best

I have been contemplating my life and my surroundings a lot lately. My sister has been a great insight, which being a younger sister I often times forget because she is so smart. She has thoughts and views on experiences perhaps I never ventured into. Maybe she is more mature or maybe she is just so different that is helps. She knows me better and longer than anyone else there is so why not use her valued experiences to hopefully deduct my own conclusions. I often contemplate if one tells me not to do something or values their opinion that perhaps it only pushes me closer to what is unhealthy for myself. One wants what one cannot have, and if the advice is no do we not contemplate it more. Do we not think we are cooler, smarter, and different that the same outcome will not happen to ourselves? Either way we should learn from the mistakes of others, yet sometimes we have to make these mistakes ourselves for them to fully sink in. In anything I do regardless of whether or not I listen to my sister she is still my whole world, my heart and that will never change.

Welcome to the working world

Frustrated to my tip toes. I do not understand how people do not understand constructive criticism. I am tired of arguing findings from which are left empty. It is not my job to redo another persons work, yet I constantly am finding unfinished projects that I simply complete rather than give advice on how to complete the missing fields. I see why I never gave advice I receive backlash. Well they can have it uncompleted then because it is ridiculous I would rather not waste the energy.

Unspoken words brought to life

I have been distant from my words, mostly because I am afraid of what I might admit. I contemplate why one person can be so simple, and with a few drinks be so different. Are they admitting things they hide deep within, or are these things that are misunderstood due to the effect of alcohol? Loud and funny my friend has always been, but brutally honest lingered within the jokes of his words. After sushi the other night on a random meeting he spoke words I had never thought I would hear sticking me in an awkward position. Will he remember these words spoken tomorrow when he wakes from a sever headache and spinning room, or will he brush it off as if it was a drunken moment?

I love my boyfriend. My boyfriend is forever, yet my best friend is telling me words that only my boyfriend should speak. Does this not ruin our friendship? He makes me contemplate if guys and girls can be friends, or if certain guys and girl should not be friends. I love him, and have loved him since I was 12 years old. Does this not effect my behavior or opinion of him? How much does history play into emotions or the past create the future? With two children and a so-called-ex-wife I tell him not speak that way.

How or why would someone marry someone who they do not love? Did he not believe it would be forever? Words I asked when alone in his presence, as he quietly commented, "no she was more of a mother figure for my son." She called while at work one day and told him they were going to get married that weekend. At the court house he borrowed his mother's wedding ring for one was never purchased. Why would I find comfort in knowing such a thing? I contemplate myself and my own life wondering if we too have lost our chemistry and are moving forward in our relationship out of habit. That is what people do, and therefore that is what we do? Is it pre-marital jitters or simply doubt. Is it something that I want to discover? I listen to his words upon divorce contemplating if that could be me in 5 years. His fate is not our fate, yet he describes us so well simply by talking about his own divorce which frightens me, or perhaps brings me closer to him.

New Years Resolutions

A new post for the new year. As the new year begins many contemplate what will be done different this year to make it better than the last, with this many new years resolutions are created. Instead of creating a resolution that will probably not last I am hoping to do nothing out of the ordinary so nothing changes for the worst. I was content in 2007, and I hope that 2008 is nothing but positive energy to fill my unbalanced moments.