On my path...

It has begun... I feel so small and insignificant on days like today. I had no where to be, nothing to do, and lost in a town full of people rushing to their next destination. A soul from the past, only writes when she needs or wants something, and this time I was not sure if I should respond or not. She is going to have a baby and is getting married. In other words she is going to be a mother. Hope she is a better mother than her mother was to her, but what do I say back to her. Part of me was jealous on this over exaggerated level, then the other part of me was completely creeped out as if I or we are too young to be having babies and getting married. I do not want kids, at least this is what I tell myself and everyone around me, but I often wonder if I am only unsure because I have not found the right person yet. Thoughts I should not have if I plan on getting married in my current relationship.

An electronic message haunts my thoughts. Actually another soul from the past wrote words I am not sure I wanted to hear. Checking in to see how I was doing, to let me know he misses me a lot and would like to see me. How does that work when I live in another state and practically with my boyfriend? How does that work? Is that common talk, or is he serious? Am I seriously debating text messages from an old flame?

Strange how I branched out and possibly contacted him first. Myspace is harmless yet a whole different world. A comment turns into a message, a message turns into a text, and next thing you know they want to see you. Strange how he has been on my mind lately... I think more for physical reasons than anything else, yet I wonder if that could possibly be a sign.

A relationship that was never meant to last, and 7 years later he still misses me. A rebound turned into a physical connection. I never thought I had anything substantial with him since we had nothing in common, but the chemistry was so overwhelming it was the basis for our time together. Strange how today in my current state I am craving that intensity in a relationship that has lost its glow. The same intensity I thought would never last in a relationship past does not exist at my current state. Is it me? Do I only crave what I do not have? If I left tonight would I miss him tomorrow? The problem is I live in the moment. With every breath my mind shifts and my decisions are altered. Today what I think may not be how I feel tomorrow...

A week ago I was sure of myself, and today I am uncomfortable. I blame his immediate family, and possibly his extended family. They adore me as far as I can tell, yet living so close has definitely put a serious strain on our relationship. I am contemplating life without them, but often I think I consider life without him as well. A question that can determine the rest of your life... it is suppose to be the simplest answer you will ever give, yet why is this so hard? Is that my answer right there? I find myself missing my old life, my single life. I find myself day dreaming about the past, is that because I am so into the present as I should be?

I am horrible at making decisions, and the universe has a way of somehow figuring these things out for me. Possibly if I make the wrong decision will they universe magically fix this one as well...? I would like to think so, but I am afraid it may not be that simple this time. Although I would like to agree that when on the right path the universe has magical ways of trying to keep you headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, I may have to make some wrong decisions before I find the right ones.