Today in time...

It has happened.... I guess I would be more devastated if it was actually meant to be. I went to speak to the boyfriend on behalf of my feelings and everything that had happened in the last week. It turned out bad. We broke up. I thought I was devastated, or that it wasn't what I wanted but I think I am trying to convince myself I should be more upset than I am. I look back at my blog entries and I had been unhappy previously I just never said anything. I feel horrible about it because I feel like I lost a part of me. I lost a friend who is a beautiful person, the only problem is I see him as that and not as someone I am in love with.

I have decided to confide in my best friend, and I wonder if that is a good decision or not. They say guy and girls may never be just friends which I have argued that point for so long, but maybe this relationship is one of those never friends types. I have 3 guys friends that have been there through it all. They are part of me and they are the ones I run to in time of need. The longest time friend I am the closest to, which "longest time" doesn't say much since I have known the other since I was 10 years old. Just this one we are the same age and there is something more there. Probably because there is some sort attraction more so than the others. I love them all, but granted maybe me and the longest time friend could possibly evolve into something more.

At the bar he leans over and calls me his LIFER. I laughed and said BBF for LIFE! He smiled and told me that he knew when he met me that I would be a part of his life for LIFE. I didn't know how to react. Part of me should remain single, then the other part of me wants to be spontaneous and sporadic and do wild and crazy things. He invited me over for dinner. He BBQ'd cooked and cleaned, provided wine, music, and we talked. It was a side of him I had never witnessed before. I was amazed at how I could know someone so well yet still be shocked at moments. I was so happy. I wanted to stay this happy and remain in this moment forever. I said I wanted to keep him and he said I am all yours. I did not know how to respond. What does that mean?

He tried to give me a key to his house, which freaked me out slightly. Then later a friend asked how he was doing with the death of his friend and the funeral the previous day, he replied, "I am great, I have the love of my life back and friends what more could I ask for." Everyone looked at me. I didn't know what to say. I was nervous and embarrassed. Part of me was sad for the ex-boyfriend, then other part of me was overly excited and happy.

I do not know where this is going or if it is anything that will even take off. I do know that it has opened my eyes to different things and what I had needs a lot of work when this right in front of me is what I have been yearning for, for SO LONG!

I know he has his issues and his moments, but is this really something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life. My best girlfriend laughs at me because she remembers when were 14 years old and me telling her I was going to marry him one day. Of course every girl says that about the first guy they fall in love with, but something about us that everyone else believed it too. I just wonder if I am trying to relive the previous feelings rather than the new and current emotions.

I of course miss the ex-boyfriend when I am alone or bored. I cannot tell if I miss him for him or if I miss the company of another. I am trying to sort through all the emotions racing through my head, and I wonder if being alone is the best idea or if being with another will show me what I have been missing or craving for so long. I am so lucky to have him in my life. It is not everyday that an adult is able to try again with the first person she ever loved or even liked... and I wonder at times how different we are if perhaps we can grow together into an adult relationship rather than the childhood crush we once knew. Only time will tell, just nervous and giddy over my best friend someone I have known almost my whole entire life.

Hope its not contagious

Is it in the air? Is it in my past, or even possibly embedded in my veins? Or even more clever is my past embedded in my veins effecting everything? I become annoyed, distant, and confused to those that love me. How does it just dissolve suddenly, or was it never even there to begin with?

The confusion associated with emotions is where I am at today. I have an amazing boyfriend. He is gorgeous, loving, and committed to me. So then what is the problem? Chemistry is not something that you can create. I cannot make myself love someone, although I wish I could. I completely love him, but I know I am not in love with him. That chemistry physical attraction that I crave is stuck on something else or dormant in the past. I love him dearly but dearly may not make my blood pressure rise or my heart melt. Is it suppose to be that way? Do we marry our best friends? Is that the secret to making it work? Does the chemistry run out? I heard once, sometimes the only way to put out a blazing fire is to let it burn out? Or do they last forever? I contemplate if there was no fire to begin with , then what drew me close to start? have I been trying to express that this whole time? Not as if you can make yourself love someone, or can you?

I ran to a mountain to escape from the lack of adrenaline. I moved to another state to escape the commitment. I think it is evident even more today, yet I do not want to admit it in fear of heart ache.

Tuesday, June 17th another friend died. He had a heart attack. Who has a heart attack in their 20's? It is never ending, this cycle of death that haunts the younger years. I went with the best friend revisiting old pictures of childhood memories, and I wanted to cling to every moment in time. Perhaps because I was so happy before I knew death so well? They say that your teen years are to be the most difficult, but for many of my fellow friends they were their last years. I would not relive any moment of any of it unless I could change the fate of their deaths.

Sitting with him my heart began to race, my skin began to tingle, and I felt something that had been dormant for a really long time. He looked at me and said "you are my lifer." Friends for life who would have thought when we were 11 years old we would have been friends for life. I sure didn't but he swears he knew. Comfort mixed with conversation and laughter... is that what I am craving, or is there something more that we cannot see. With the death of a close friend we cling to each other. In moments like these I always cling to those closest to me, it just concerns me that I cling to my best friend rather than my boyfriend. Is that something that should be addressed?

This weekend is the funeral. Saturday will be a difficult day so I pray for strength and guidance to keep us strong and safe.