Hope its not contagious

Is it in the air? Is it in my past, or even possibly embedded in my veins? Or even more clever is my past embedded in my veins effecting everything? I become annoyed, distant, and confused to those that love me. How does it just dissolve suddenly, or was it never even there to begin with?

The confusion associated with emotions is where I am at today. I have an amazing boyfriend. He is gorgeous, loving, and committed to me. So then what is the problem? Chemistry is not something that you can create. I cannot make myself love someone, although I wish I could. I completely love him, but I know I am not in love with him. That chemistry physical attraction that I crave is stuck on something else or dormant in the past. I love him dearly but dearly may not make my blood pressure rise or my heart melt. Is it suppose to be that way? Do we marry our best friends? Is that the secret to making it work? Does the chemistry run out? I heard once, sometimes the only way to put out a blazing fire is to let it burn out? Or do they last forever? I contemplate if there was no fire to begin with , then what drew me close to start? have I been trying to express that this whole time? Not as if you can make yourself love someone, or can you?

I ran to a mountain to escape from the lack of adrenaline. I moved to another state to escape the commitment. I think it is evident even more today, yet I do not want to admit it in fear of heart ache.

Tuesday, June 17th another friend died. He had a heart attack. Who has a heart attack in their 20's? It is never ending, this cycle of death that haunts the younger years. I went with the best friend revisiting old pictures of childhood memories, and I wanted to cling to every moment in time. Perhaps because I was so happy before I knew death so well? They say that your teen years are to be the most difficult, but for many of my fellow friends they were their last years. I would not relive any moment of any of it unless I could change the fate of their deaths.

Sitting with him my heart began to race, my skin began to tingle, and I felt something that had been dormant for a really long time. He looked at me and said "you are my lifer." Friends for life who would have thought when we were 11 years old we would have been friends for life. I sure didn't but he swears he knew. Comfort mixed with conversation and laughter... is that what I am craving, or is there something more that we cannot see. With the death of a close friend we cling to each other. In moments like these I always cling to those closest to me, it just concerns me that I cling to my best friend rather than my boyfriend. Is that something that should be addressed?

This weekend is the funeral. Saturday will be a difficult day so I pray for strength and guidance to keep us strong and safe.