Doubt may linger close

Today was suppose to be a busy morning, and again I sit without anything much on my plate. I really should not complain. I get paid to sit at home.

I applied for another yoga position. I am excited. Last nights class went extremely well. When in doubt or frustrated always resort back to what you know. Since I did not have time to elaborate on a specific class focus or sequence, we went back to the sun salutations and power yoga that I am well familiar with. The class went very well, and I was glad because this week has been difficult with the stress of making gifts on time.

The frustration builds and builds until one day I may explode. Yesterday was the beginning of that day. Everything bothered me. I am a very nice person, I never get mad, and even when I do no one ever knows it. Just recently I have felt taken advantage of as if the kind gesture is already assumed. Instead of asking me to help I am suppose to help.

Lately it has been hidden in the back of my mind that perhaps I am not happy with where my life is headed. The boyfriend speaks of marriage and engagement. The family plans for a wedding, and I am lingering somewhere between lost and disbelief. Does one have jitters or anxiety about getting married because it is a drastic change, or is it possible doubt that clutters the heart disguised as anxiety?

I dare not speak these words aloud for what if they are real. I contemplate these thoughts as I listen to my best friend discuss his divorce. After 2 1/2 years they are no longer together. A stalker she has become as she prank calls my phone. Knowing him since I was 6 years old, and her since we were in high school many already predicted the out come. 2 children later I contemplate if that will be me in 5 years. I listen as he speaks of regret, sadness, doubt, and loss of identity. Did he not believe it was forever when he married? I asked the questions as he said no. He realizes now he never loved her, it was a mother figure for his children. Do people still get excited and giddy over loved ones or are we searching for something different than when we were 14 years old.

I thought that I knew what I was doing and that my love was strong enough, but am I willing to put up with his habits for the rest of my life? As the days get longer I realize "rest of my life" is longer than it sounds, and perhaps I am agitated too quickly for it to work.

As I speak of the best friend he becomes quiet. He hates the thought of a man best friend. I wonder if meeting him would change the insecurities he holds, then I consider that it could possibly make them worse. Do I not want them to meet because of how I feel? In the back of my mind I fear if they ever met. When around the best friend I feel different than with the boyfriend. Is that fair? I never thought anything of the two until the invite for him to hang out with us. I did not want him to hang out with us, why? Do I act different around him that I would not want my boyfriend to witness?

Sitting in a crowded restaurant surrounded by acquaintances, yet alone in my own world I looked at my phone. A text message from the best friend "You are my favorite" read the message. What would this mean? What do I say back as my heart pounded faster and faster. Have I secretly been waiting for this moment consciously or even subconsciously? I know my best friend and understand after the long fights and new crazy x he clings for comfort in familiarity, but again will I disappear into the air when the next relationship starts?

Either way I am uncomfortable in my own life. I want change. I just have not decided if it is my life entirely, my work, my location, or my boyfriend. The doubt is killing me inside and no one seems to understand or can make that decision for me. Change is always something I crave when too in depth in a situation. I feel cluttered almost as if I am suffocating in the attention of him and his mother. Late from class, I decided to continue my own personal practice after teaching for an hour. 30 minutes late I arrived to their house. His mother called my mother concerned, my boyfriend cranky and bitter as I walked into the room. Do I not require any space? Am I not an adult? I feel the walls closing in on me as if I cannot control what is happening to me? Is it me or is it them? What will I do? I consider the possibilities of change and contemplate couples counseling. If we are two different to connect is this possible to find out sooner than later. Do I not want to be my best friend in 5 years, or is that the fate I am predicting on myself? Then I contemplate the hidden thought of instead of being my best friend in 5 years am I subconciously holding a desire to be with my best friend in the future, and in turn destroying my current relationship with doubt?

10 days till Christmas

Saturday!! It is Saturday and my boyfriend has to work. I am sad that this is the case, but excited that were are going to the knit store to buy more yarn. :O)

Possible I am shrinking

It could be quite possible I am shrinking. Perhaps that is not a bad thing, however my pants are unusually long and baggy. For someone who never knew her size I have an abundance of jeans these days. We went to a warehouse sale where designer jeans were less than half price. Me being the person that I am, who hates to shop, I figured I would buy enough to last me a year. I bought 5 pairs and got 2 free. 7 pairs of jeans for $350 bucks is pretty ridiculous. Especially considering one pair my sister swears are $250 bucks at Nordstroms alone. I guess the thicker fabric makes them desirable, or the fancy horse shoe pattern/logo on the butt pockets. However, there is no way on earth I would have ever paid that much for one pair of jeans. So I guess it is a nice thing they were on sale.

So now if I shrink my clothes will not fit. Sad by the thought of wasted money I contemplate if that is the case. Most people lose weight in average places, me not so much. My feet are the first to shrink, then my stomach, then my butt. Some say it is a blessing others would agree that it is a curse.

For as long as I can remember I wanted a smaller chest. The ability to wear small shirts, button up shirts that don't pop open, cute colorful bras in my size. It is amazing to me how people pay money for these sort of things. I suppose if my chest was smaller I would want them large. Then again I assume I would show them off more if they were smaller than now. Even though they are not as big as they once were they still are not small. Strange how I can be small everywhere else, but my chest just sticks out. Even more amazing how I was 3 bra sizes bigger while in high school. No wonder I looked so heavy it was all in my chest and I tried to cover it up. The saddest part I look so much smaller and people comment on how much weight I may have lost since high school. Same exact size except my chest is now a DD. No I did not have surgery or do anything drastic. Upper body activity such as yoga is amazing for the chest muscles causing them to shrink. So I suppose when I complain about the shirts not fitting or the clothes unbuttoning, At least I can remember a time when things were a lot worse.

I would like to say men stare less now then they did then, but boys will be boys, and they stare regardless.

My daily dirt

CURRENT STATUS... Thankful that I made it through the night. Nervous that tonight might be similar as before wondering if this gets stronger with growth or less with age.

LATELY I AM THINKING... I am changing into someone different than I used to be, someone I may not recognize next year, next month, or even tomorrow. Will that change us both or will I leave him behind as I move into someone else?

SHOUT OUT TO... Completely normal people or geniuses that are clueless to their worldly surroundings...

THE SOAPBOX... Just because we cannot see it, does not mean it is not there.

Strange noises in the night

Often times I think I am completely normal, other moments I wonder if I am randomly strange. Noises in the night used to keep me up as a child. Images of people standing in my room would force me to hide under the covers late at night. I hated the dark. Even still, being alone in the dark often times can frighten me. I thought perhaps I wouldn't remember as a child, but occasionally on a random night the images, noises, and coldness is present, and that it is something that cannot be ignored as I hide under the blankets.

This time someone not the same, a middle aged lady with big hair, sat next to the bed. Why was I so frightened that I had to hide under the blankets. I am 26 years and hiding in the dark under covers. I thought that I did not want to talk with my boyfriend sleeping beside me, I hid under the covers. Nosies began to lurk as things began moving off the dresser. Freaked from the noises I cuddled closer to him as he slept peacefully.

This morning words of "you talked in your sleep again" lingered in the morning air. At least perhaps I do not remember my conversation with the mystery women. I often wonder why I sleep so late and rise so early as if I do not want to be in the between places of sleep and awake. The place where I see more than what I understand. There was a time when the glowing person standing beside me was comforting, now that seems to have faded as they are no longer him but strangers.

I contemplate what I may have shouted in the night, or what I may have whispered during my sleep. Did I wake him as before yelling that my angels were there? Did I frighten him enough to question if I remembered my words in the night? I wanted him to come into the night to protect me as he always does, yet I must have fallen asleep before realizing he was there. Did I wake my boyfriend to tell him he had arrived? Was I talking to him or to a complete stranger?

I often wonder how that works or what happens? Do I not remember because I do not want to know, or is it because it was not me? I wonder if the moon was full, and if it will happen again. Alone the noises get louder, but never so real in the presence of another. In the morning I of course clean the dresser to remove any objects that might fall or be thrown off as I find comfort in the clean open space.

If I woke him because I was scared would he not understand? If you cannot see something and don't know it is there, how do you believe it is? Faith in God so many hold, yet faith in spirits and angels is lacking more and more each day. Something we cannot see does not mean it does not exist, yet only incomprehensible to most. I explain it like bacteria. You know money is disgustingly dirty. You know you would never want to sit down on a public toilet seat, or push a shopping cart before protecting yourself from germs that you cannot see. Scientists know the germs exist and have seen the germs with their special tools. These are something we believe to be present yet cannot see. So what is so different about not seeing the person standing beside your bed yet knowing they exist when someone else says they do?

Yoga with props

I guess there could be worse addictions... I suffer from a caffeine less day with sporadic ADD moments with less OCD involved. A never ending balance of disorders to keep us medicated. Since I value nature, I have vowed to stay natural without drugs for as long as it takes.

My newest addiction has given me a nice extra income. I now will be teaching kids yoga one day a week. I contemplate what I am getting myself into as I think back to my training. Understanding children can be a complex issue and I would not want it to distract from the other classes I teach.

Yesterday Yoga was wonderful. I started with a simple cat series warm up and continued into a head to knee sequence that prepared us for the half moon sequence I really wanted to try. Since my students are all beginners I found it appropriate to use the wall for support. Since everyone was already used to the basics of the poses the prop added so much more for the pose. We were allowed to expand even further into the position. It was done with great success.

I ended the class with a quote. "The goal of yoga is not to be the best, but it is to feel your best. So if you are not the best at every pose as long as you feel your best when you leave, you have gained more than when you arrived. "

Our Differences

"In life we often do not get what we deserve, nor that for which we work. Often, in life, we get what we expect to get."

Perhaps this breaks down those people who everyone watches with mystery. Everyone knows someone who is ungrateful for the things they have, and yet always receives more. The perfect job, the big house, the loving wife, the healthy child, and still they always get more. The mentality of judgement lingers beneath their skin as if to think they were handed these object from somewhere, yet it is somewhere no one has yet to discover. The mishaps of this world can be difficult to swallow. Thoughts of sadness turn as one may stare at a struggling wife, with the loss of a child, a house near foreclosure, and yet the dedicated church family still clings to faith. Do we not receive what we deserve, but merely what we expect?

It is hard to comprehend at times when surrounded by family. Do we want to associate ourselves with judgemental, harsh individuals because they have found materialistic greatness? Then if we surround ourselves with those who attract negative energy do we not in turn also become victim to the energy that surrounds them?

Many contemplate this as they consider the possibilities that one would never expect hardship, but do we not when we doubt the greatness others have?

Perhaps engraved in our DNA the thoughts and expectations of our lives, and our goals are to overcome the hardships. It is hard to imagine one has this desire to be homeless especially in the winter months, yet so many stay homeless day after day. Of course not anyone says they want to be homeless when they grow up, but what do they do once they are homeless? This is something I may never understand for I am not in that situation so I cannot judge nor tell one what they do to enable something of the sort. What are we saying as society when we walk past the dirty old man standing near the side of the road. If he was a woman would you be more likely to help? If he had small children would it make that much of a difference? Are they really that different from ourselves?

I contemplate what our society is turning into as I search the foreclosure sites on the Internet. In this area code alone 1377 houses went into foreclose. 1377 families are not without their home. At times like these I wished for large amounts of cash to help those in need. I wondered which houses were vacant as I drove past random empty houses noticeable by the street. In a town of 2 million people how many are losing their homes? Word has it that 40 houses go up for auction a day. Do we look the other way because it is not us? What happens when it is us, do we wonder why no one is around to help when we too neglected others just like us?

It is hard to expect the best when so many around us have nothing, perhaps that is the difference between those that have nothing and those that have everything. Are they selfish and know it, or it is something in their subconscious that allows them to be so stern and rude yet successful?

"In life we often do not get what we deserve, nor that for which we work. Often, in life, we get what we expect to get." The SECRET everyone is talking about says, expect only greatness and the hardships will melt away.

My daily dirt

CURRENT STATUS... Thankful! Greatful for the wonderful yoga class yesterday. Happy about the future, and content about my life.

LATELY I AM THINKING... It is not about changing the world, it is more about changing a life. The small things I do, really do matter.

SHOUT OUT TO... Happy People

THE SOAPBOX... "In life we often do not get what we deserve, nor that for which we work. Often, in life, we get what we expect to get. Expect Greatness."

My daily dirt

CURRENT STATUS... The dreaded Tuesday morning meeting that everyone is late to except me, so I sit and listen to the annoying elevator music and wait for the boring chatter to begin.

LATELY I AM THINKING... How upside down the world is today What do you do for a living? Does it make a difference in the big scheme of things? If not, then why do you do it?

SHOUT OUT TO... People who live with only what they need and do not spend money on stupid things that are not needed.

THE SOAPBOX... "It is not about being the BEST.... It is about FEELING the best!"

The dreaded past time

This weekend we went shopping. A female favorite past time that I hate. The hunter gatherer mentality of the chase to find the perfect article drives me nuts. I hate it. It is no wonder women love this sport, same reason men stalk the clubs and bars, it is similar to dating for men. To find that ultimate prize... the shirt that makes me look the skinniest or the perkiest boobs. As for me looking for a simple plain shirt is almost impossible these days. Perhaps I dislike it because I do not understand it. Ideally I am about comfort, yet none of the cool in style fashions are comfortable.

I felt odd trying on children's clothes. I am not a tiny person (5'9" tall - 34DD chest). I thought for sure I was going to get stuck with the embarrassment of needing help to get out of the clothing. To my amazement the shirts not only fit, but were what I had been searching for. I contemplate if I am smaller than I realize, or if the clothes are getting bigger. I paid $6 bucks for the same shirt that was $20 bucks in the adult size.

The shopping experience was not as horrid as I made it out to be. I did find a Christmas gift for my dad. Now if I only knew what my sister and mother wanted I would be okay.

I did spend most of the day Saturday looking for a pair of shoes. If I am going to be on my feet the majority of the night in a high heel shoe they must be comfortable. $80 later I found a simple shinny red stiletto heel that was actually comfortable. I wouldn't trade comfort for fashion, but when you find them both in one package it is a bargain.

Even though I was disappointed I wasted most of the morning, I did meet a new potential friend. Strange how I meet people everywhere I go. She seemed nice and said she would attend a yoga class with me. The idea of meeting a friend in a shoe store is strange, but there have been weirder moments.

Early morning breath

Quick breaths always so difficult on a cloudy mornings day. As I try to catch my breath from nothing I contemplate what it would be like to be someone else for a day. To not be fixated on the minor details of the room, to not organize items around me, to not count my steps when I walk, or notice the stains around me. It would be different that I must admit, but could I handle such an ordeal... probably not and that is why I am me and not anyone else.

I often wonder if breathing upside down makes a difference as I contemplate if yoga will help or not with suffocation I feel deep within my lungs. I often consider the possibilities of lung cancer, breast cancer or some unknown illness lurking beneath the surface, but usually it is not enough to stop me from taking an inhale of the prescribed medication.

They say that this stuff causes cancer, yet the doctor's concern was Osteoporosis. I am in my 20's hardly such an age where one might be concerned, except for someone who knows the side effects of such drugs. To breath or to destroy the calcium from you body, I wonder how long before I notice anything different. Perhaps this is why I am so stubborn and refuse to take it on a regular basis. If only I didn't have an addiction to things that made me sick.

My daily dirt

CURRENT STATUS... Me with my early morning bed hair and lack of motivation to get started for today.

LATELY I AM THINKING... I have misplaced my creativity somewhere deep within just when I need to tap into it most.

SHOUT OUT TO... Messy people or those who have messy desks! I envy one who can drop a shirt on the floor and not cringe at the mess, or another who can leave unorganized piles of papers on their desk. If only for a single day I could be so messy...

YET ANOTHER SHOUT OUT TO... People who drink coffee late at night... I drink a glass of coffee at sunrise and I become an OCD zombie for the next 24 hours, yet it tastes so GOOD. To those who are drinking coffee right now... oh how I wish we could share...

THE SOAPBOX... "It is not about being the BEST.... It is about FEELING the best!"

My newest earthly addiction

My newest obsession - GREEN

I think I am turning into one of those politically incorrect radical earth PETA groupies. I am obsessed with the mass quantity of GREEN lately. Although I will always be partial to Orange I mean the color of my world. This day I have noticed there are other colors that surrounded us.

The obsession of earthly objects became noticed when we went to a wedding in Kansas. Never before had I ever seen so many trees in one area. Bright colors filled the sky, and the air smelled different than anything I have ever known. Perhaps because living born and raised in Las Vegas, NV you tend to breathe exhaust and occasionally dust or ash from our lovely neighboring state which tends to always be on fire.

This obsession was not like any thing else. I wanted to preserve it for life. I wanted to bottle up the smell to live in harmony with the elements I had discovered. Since that is just ridiculous, I simply framed my favorite leaves that were found. Out of the 20 leaves I brought back on a plane and through the desert. I have the 3 orange leaves framed. Even though my roots pull me towards the strange color everyone loves to hate, these days I am looking for something more alive... hence the fresh green leaf opposed to the almost fallen orange leaf that I have framed on my desk.

I never was able to keep that fresh air feeling, and often times I find myself searching for that smell or the perhaps moment when I felt as if I could fly. That random awkward thought always passes as if it was not so much the surrounding trees, but the present company that lingers in the past that gave me this high.

Blogger Slate Clean

A fresh start to the ramblings of my life. With this huge obsession of organization I cling to the Internet for guidance on Internet blog sites. Perhaps this will last sometime, although I always linger back to my first blog.

In search of something different, something normal, and something clean. I may be searching nothing because I cannot grasp the concept behind what I am looking for. I must admit multiple blogs for multiple ideas may be my anti-drug.

An organization tool used to drown out the mass quantity of caffeine I desire might be the perfect gift into my world. With caffeine comes lack of sleep, hence me still in my bed wearing my sleep attire pretending to work. I just have to LOVE my life...

My daily dirt

CURRENT STATUS... early morning hang over without ever being drunk...

LATELY I AM THINKING... Do I have an obsession, perhaps a disorder, or am I just compulsive?

SHOUT OUT TO... People who naturally wake up early... or those who get to sleep in with nothing to do on FRIDAY.

THE SOAPBOX... "It is not about being the BEST.... It is about FEELING the best!"

Procrastination at its best...

So I used to belong to Xanga. I loved that site. It was peaceful and unknown. As for it now. TOILET WATER! I messed up my page and am OCD when it comes to that sort of thing.

Frustrated by the friends these days. We were suppose to leave this morning at 530am now as I lie here before 7am I wonder if that will ever happen. Roadtrip with the lady friend. She is driving back to Las Vegas since I am stuck in AZ this week so I thought I would catch a ride and make it in town early before my flight would have arrived to perhaps surprise everyone. Doubt it will be early at this point.

OH what a FRIDAY and it is not even 8am yet...

My Daily Goods

CURRENT STATUS... early morning frustration...

LATELY I AM THINKING... Do I have a gift, a curse, or am I completely insane?

SHOUT OUT TO... my friends who have passed... RIP!

THE SOAPBOX... "People Forget how fast you did something, but they remember how well it was done."

Making sense of it all

I used to write my dreams, thoughts, and moments down in a book. This book is warped from the amount of tears that have been passed in the process. This book is a collection of letters to him. Perhaps I should continue or start again, or maybe that is why I have a blog on almost every blogger site I come across. It is an escape from those that know me, reality or even the past. Strange to write the most intimate details of your day on a website that may be accessed by anyone. I guess if they think I am nuts then they do not have to read. If only they do not know who I am, it shall not matter. Then I better keep those I know, away from these words.

The other day he came while I was driving. He kissed my forehead and said I will be back. Strange how that sounds so weird. My boyfriend who died kissed my forehead. It did not make any sense until I was telling my roommate about the last time I saw his face, and I told him you better never leave me without ever saying goodbye or kissing my face like it will be the last time you ever do. Then he kissed my forehead and grabbed me in his arms. I guess that made sense at that moment. I did not understand where he was going, but he did come back sooner than I thought. Assuming since it was the day after mother's day his mother must have needed him more at that moment than I did.

Last night I saw a man standing in a military outfit. I broke down, for why I have no idea. I stopped breathing and could feel my insides shaking. It was almost as if I was crying like I did the day he died. I realize how much I miss him when I sit alone in a quiet room.

Last week I had a dream that he was here. Not as in the sense that he is here everyday, more like he was alive. He could not remember anything, yet to him I was familiar. He spoke of times I do not recall. Another life as he liked to think when he was alive. A past life together where perhaps we were together for longer than a moment. He knew me when everyone else was strange. I do not know what that meant. Well I know that it means that I miss him, and assuming somewhere deep within I want him to be alive or have not accepted that he has died. Death seems to linger close these days or I am completely insane.

I watched a few shows as death was the theme throughout the night. I wondered if that meant anything or if I am just a little nuts from time to time. Only that yesterday was the beginning of the past that started this path I wish we could avoid. One week 3 deaths, only 3 days apart these occurred randomly in my life. Then it continued until I lost the person I was closest to. It started and I guess it will never really end even though in the back of my mind there is doubt.

RIP my friends!

An unheard message

I have been Internet blog site hopping for awhile now. I used to have a few that I updated on a regular basis. These days are kept sane by talking to myself out loud. However, my out loud is much different than those who are rambling at the grocery store for I actually am talking to someone. If only someone else could verify his presence from time to time, then I would probably feel less insane.

I was sitting on the couch the other morning and he opened the door. Not just a normal thing to have the door fling open when it has been double locked. The first time I thought I was crazy, the second time I figured something was up. Not to mention at least someone was sitting there with me. Perhaps a little disturbed as he walked over to a locked door to close it. The strange part is I knew it was him as I looked up to see that he was there. These angels come into our lives and for what reason? I know he has been trying to tell me something for days I am just not able to figure it out exactly. I guess I am one step ahead of most for I can see that he is standing in front of me, but what the message is may not be so easy. Perhaps because it is harder to handle than I realize.

I hate to be such a negative person, but when you see your boyfriend from the past standing before you when he died in a car accident 5 years ago it makes one become rather cold.

My daily goods...

CURRENT STATUS... FUZE and early morning regret

LATELY I AM THINKING... How I wish I was some place else in the world, this planet, perhaps even this universe... anywhere but here!

SHOUT OUT TO... Homeless people who do not work... work is totally overrated!

THE SOAPBOX... The grass is always GREENER on someone else's turf... (should remember this next time I want to move)

I wonder how I will ever surive until the weekend, as it is only Wednesday and I can hardly keep my head up as I try to focus on something other than nothing...