Change

You are not happy so why stay with him? Why stay in a relationship that you dislike? I often wonder how or why we trick ourselves into thinking that we are happy when we are tearing at the sides to escape subtly. If we wait long enough could it potentially be too late? I didn’t want to be with him. He wasn’t what I wanted. I knew this looking at him as his eyes glistened with the image of me. I craved something more, something different, maybe even someone else… yet when we finally do split a part of me is sad. Is this not what I wanted? How could I fool myself into thinking that this is what I wanted, or do I only want him back because he is moving on?

The glimmer of me the glow in his eyes, the flame the burned is nothing more than ash. His negative glare says he is angry at the past unwilling to fix the future, but do I even want to try to fix the future? Is it true love if you have to work at loving them? Why do we fool ourselves into staying with people we do not love? Perhaps I loved him but was I ever truly madly in LOVE with him? How can you love one if you never really got your heart back from another… is that his fault?

I miss the moments when we were busy. I miss the social life he had acquired. I miss the friends I had come to know. I miss the family I came to love, but no where do I find myself missing the moments of just him. Shouldn’t that tell me something, yet I still am bothered by all my space and new surroundings. Over time I am sure I will adjust it is just change the fears the many.

The very First One

I decided I am addicted to the first time… The first one who stole my heart… I guess I never really got it back. Does he even know how much power he posses over me? To see his face sends an electric shock through my blood as if I tingle like a little kid in a candy store. A sense of comfort and excitement bottled into one is how I would describe it. Will it ever really work? I contemplate this because we have been after this for at least 15 years. This sounds ridiculous and crazy, but is it quite possible he is the one I am longing to live with rather than someone I would be trying to live with? I think I have lost my mind when I think of the possibilities of us. It will never work yet he is so quick to say the words that make everything seem to fall into place. He has changed in a way I never thought possible… he has grown into someone I do not recognize, yet I have known him the majority of my life. He is an adult. He grew up somewhere between the drama and stress of his past. He has changed slightly in ways that are drastic to me. I think too much and analyze everything. Maybe that is my problem… and I need to be more relaxed and carefree to go with the flow of this new found moment.