The old me

I have decided... I am here to reclaim ME! I am taking ownership of my SOCIAL life! I will no longer be someone I do not want to be. I need to be doing something at all moments and if he is busy I will find someone else to occupy my time.

It costs money for women to look good. A huge stereotypical world we live in, where women must be glam and men can wear what they wore yesterday and still look good. If men want us to look good or like the pleasure of us women at our best then they can PAY for the drinks and the nightly entertainment. I see nothing wrong with having a couple of people take me out. I once was spontaneous and sporadic. It took practice and work to develop such a social life, but it was fun worth it. I must secretly crave the excitement of meeting for the first time. The UNKNOWN... If he is not going to take me to where I want to go I shall find someone else who is interested. I first need to figure out what it is exactly I am looking to do.

First Kiss

I spoke to the best friend about this ignoring factor. He had no idea he was doing it. Possibly it could get better. He said he sucks at relationships. Does this mean we are in a relationship? I paused, a little frightened at what any of that could me when he asked me to come over. Excited yet nervous I agreed. He opened the door and I walked in, not even before he closed the door he kissed me. I felt as if I was being pulled towards him, my knees went weak, my heart was his, and we proceeded to make out in the front entry way. The passion I have been craving my whole entire life, has been right in front of me this whole entire time. Did I secretly know this and in my subconscious somewhere I was trying to find him in everyone else? I began to hear someone talking and talking in the distant, I looked up remembering I was on the phone when I walked in and she had been talking the whole time. Laughing we separated and I ended the conversation. It seems almost as every kiss is a first kiss and makes me weak as if I cannot get enough. I am addicted.

Amazed at how he can make my whole world spin a complete different direction, I stared as he stood staring back. I did not know what to say. The idea was to ask about the future, is he serious? Is he real? Will this ever work? Yet, when I was standing in front of him nothing else mattered.

Part of me wondered if the X and I could work things out, but in moments like these I really contemplate what I am doing. Do I really want to work it out? I spoke to the best friends boy, he adores me, thinks I am great only he does not see the best friend being a constant or a permanent in my life. Somewhere deep inside I want to argue with him, tell him he is wrong but hat fear lingers closer than even I care to admit. He said he has always hoped in the back of his mind that we were meant for each other or we would one day find out ways back to each other, but sad enough he doesn’t see it. The other best friend says similar words as he tells me not to get too invested for fear I will be the one hurt. They care enough to be honest or do they know more than me? Speak to him about what he wants and you shall know, but does he even know what he wants?

The phone rang and it was suppose to be a friend yet it was a strange mans voice. The bartender from the previous night was calling because he wanted to see my face at his bar. The friend went to see him before he took 5 weeks off. Disappointment as he said he thought we were going to hit it off. Strange as I did not get that feeling when meeting him, but was interested. He was disappointed to hear I had other plans, but wanted to say Hi. I didn’t know how to take that as I contemplated leaving and meeting up. I never would have left, but at least the thought was there.

Weak in the heart, I wonder if I am only setting myself up for heartbreak. I love him more than he loves me. I want something that maybe isn’t there. Do I secretly wish to change him? Even more feared by change than before is he damaged to the point of no return? I contemplate this when I make plans with another, wondering what I am doing and what I really want.

my stupid girl moment

I am a stupid girl stuck in a typical girl situation... What is wrong with me?? What is it about us girls that we are somehow programmed to crave the 'bad boy' and walk all over the 'good guy'. I know the best friend is the bad boy mothers warn their children to stay away from, and the X is the perfect guy who every mother wishes their daughters would marry.... Then there is ME who of course dates them both!

I cannot decide what I want! Part of me wants to be reckless and wild with the best friend. I am drawn to him. Everyone tells me he is not forever, it will not last, but I still am drawn towards him. As if in my mind I am trying to argue a reason as to why they are wrong. I know that he is trouble, it will never work, yet part of me hopes that even I am wrong. A piece of me wants to settle down with the best friend. More like I want him to want to settle down with me, but what in the world makes me think the bad boy best friend is ever going to change for me. Is it that we think we are so special that they will realize it too, and change into a perfect mold of what we think we want. What happens when they do change, do we realize that is not who or what we wanted? Take the X wife for instant she tried and tried to get him to change, finally he does and she leaves... Now is he tainted goods, damaged from ever really trusting anyone again?

The X is sad. He lacks the confidence to fight for me he just pouts instead. People crave excitement and entertainment rather than sleep and darkness or tears. Either way I think I am not meant for either one, which irritates me to all pieces after realizing how much time I have wasted on both of them.

Last night at the bar, I finally made it to a hang out with a friend. I really like this girl. She is a new friend but lives close. She is training to be an MMA fighter which is really exciting. Anyhow we met some interesting fellows at the bar. One was really pretty, the bar tender. He wants us to come back tonight. Tempted to quit all relationships currently on hold and run with my arms up in the air as if I do not know what to even fight for let alone who to fight for... then part of me misses each of them in their own disturbing ways. We shall see if I make it back to the bar, but it was interesting...

On a sadder note, the uncle is sick in the hospital. He may have prostate cancer and who knows what is going to happen. I believe he has been having problems for quite some time now, but not to this extreme. They said he went to a male clinic. I have no idea what that means or if that is a good or bad except it had been 3 hours and there was no word. I feel for my dad. I just pray it is minor and my uncle makes it through this.

Touch my soul

Damaged goods? After one break up, is it smart to enter another relationship? Both of us are coming off the relationship roller coaster, does that only doom our next relationship? Are men more likely to hold a grudge longer than women? Who will be more likely to more forward sooner? Perhaps it has more to do with what is at stake, and I have less at stake than him...

I am addicted to someone I hardly know, yet have known longer than anyone else I know. Does that intense passion fade over time? What is it we should be looking for? I want passion, I want to fight for something so real, yet I do not even know what I am fighting for anymore. I look back and I thought I was happy. I remember being happy with the X, yet in a single moment it disappears. I need something stronger than that. Something that latches onto my soul. Six years after Griffs death I still love him. I still miss him. Was that my moment? Is that my one? The one I am now looking for?

The poison I am addicted to

Monday madness! It is cold and damp. Flash Flood warnings have been issued since Friday, yet I have not seen a drop of rain. I want thunderstorms and lightening to fill the skies and there is nothing.

I think I inhaled too much paint this weekend. As the entire inside of the house was painted I sat and breathed in all the toxic fumes. I did absolutely nothing besides spend money on useless items. I saw the X for dinner on Sunday night. He said he would have me over to cook dinner. It was awkward and strange. He made a salad, appetizers, and dinner for me as he ate nothing. I thought he was going to actually cook, but it was all pre-frozen heated up dinners. I know he tried but it seemed like a half way attempt to be romantic or deemed as a nice gesture. I thought it was really strange having him watch me eat. Then we sat on the couch to watch ESPN. I was annoyed. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was bored. I could not stop thinking about what was missing, yet I wished it wasn’t. If I could make myself fall in love with someone, if I could make chemistry, he would be perfect. Unfortunately, my chemistry lies with the best friend who is anything but him. The best friend is trouble with many other interesting characteristics.

The best friend called Saturday morning which was surprising since he had his kids. He wanted me to come over. I was not sure what to say. His kids were going to be down for a nap for two hours and he said he would take that time to nap as well, yet wanted me to come over. I felt strange. I actually did not go over there, now I think he is bitter at that since he hasn’t called since. I figured I would try last night and he never answered. I am not sure how or what to do anymore. I go back and forth between the X and the best friend every other moment, yet what if neither of them are what I want. The X is a great guy then the best friend is just the best friend probably not the better choice of the two, yet I am drawn towards him. I always have been drawn to him. The chemistry is so strong its knee bending, mind altering, and that was what I complained about not having in my previous relationship, yet is that enough? Does the chemistry die and you are eft with a friend? For the last 16 years he has made my knees buckle, my heart spin, and my soul shake, but will it last into our adulthood? A scarier thought, does he feel the same passion I know deep within? I have come to realization that he is my poison…

We are at the point of no return. Either this time it will work, or it will be nothing more than the past. I hate to think we could never go back to the friendships we had when we were younger, but adults, men and women, do not have those types of relationships. It was fun while it lasted, but it will never be what it once was unless we are a couple. Are we a couple? Could we even be a couple? I contemplate that at moments when he says ‘my girlfriend’ if he is serious or testing it out. I have not figured out my place in his heart or his world and wonder if even he has. Perhaps he takes me for granted for always being there in the past, and maybe that is my fault. Either way I need to figure out what I want and fight for it. The problem is I do not know what to fight for….

A craving for change

The beginning of a weekend; what am I going to do now that I do not have a boyfriend attached at my side? My parents go to the hotter part of Las Vegas to hang out at one of the nice end hotel lifestyle resorts to drink wine, watch fireworks, and hang out by the pool. This year they are worried about me so they invite me along. I guess they are getting 6 rooms for all their buddies so that might be entertaining if there is nothing else to do.

So the ‘boyfriend’ had bought two tickets to the UFC fight on Saturday, July 5th. I am a big UFC fan and it was the best idea, which buying a ring and asking ‘the big question’ at a thing like that is so ME. I just wonder if I somehow knew and panic overtook my emotions. So since the dispute or break up, whatever it is we are doing these days, I obviously cannot ask for the tickets that might be odd. Instead the best guy friend (not the LIFER) called last night and asked if I wanted to go with him and his 5 guy friends to the fight. I must be ‘ONE of the guys’ but one day I will have a girlfriend and do girl things… maybe! I am so excited! I told him I would let him know today. Why would I possibly consider not going? Yes, I am having a girl moment and wanted to see what the ‘BFF for LIFE’ is doing. I know he said he wanted to go to the river which is so much fun in itself, but that doesn’t really mean he wants to take me along.

The river is a place we went when we were younger. We spent weeks, months, even days at the river hanging out on a doc riding sea-doos. This time his brother wants him to go. Depending on which brother and the amount of small children may determine if he or I end up there. I still am considering the fight and a random weekend with the rents.

So awhile ago I met the ‘boyfriend’ or whatever he should be called these days, in San Diego. I sat next to this lady who seemed really fun she said she would call and we would hang out. I did not really believe that she would call or we would ever talk past the plane, but she did. Last night she wanted to know how I was doing, and if wee could hang out sometime. I mentioned the boyfriend situation/break up deal. She said she would be my friend. How funny is that! Hey maybe I found an actual ‘girlfriend’ deal. We shall see what happens, but my goal is to do something different. I need a hobby to reclaim my social life. I was considering wine tasting, knitting clubs or groups, possibly book clubs or anything else I could find. What do people do my age besides drink at bars and club? Funny how that is all I know how to do, being born and raised in Las Vegas maybe that should tell me something.

I need physical activities as well, which I decided I want to reclaim my body. Even though I didn’t gain the ‘relationship weight’ I still want to get buff or change something. The desire for change… I was considering hair, clothes, make up, even tattoos. I am not sure how drastic or extreme things will become but we shall see.

My GIRL moment...

A P test? What? I called my doctor to see if I could get a refill on an old prescription of the BC pill. I have never encountered a monthly moment until now. I am suddenly suffering from womanly moments and it needs to stop. I was told to consult the BC pill to curb the bodily pain. In order to refill a lapsed prescription I have to take a pregnancy test to confirm it is negative before I will be given the prescription.

I choked on nothingness. I fiercely tried to recall if there could even be the slightest possibility and choked on the notion that it was a good idea. It happens to some, but why would I ever put myself in such a position. I am horrified at the thought that there could potentially be a possibility. More like I am in a straight panic because that is not something I want nor am able to handle during this period of my life.

I am in a piece of transition right now and am freaking out as to what tomorrow may bring rather than 9 months from now. I am in the middle of a decision, and I am a very indecisive person. I was in a relationship for 3 years. I decided after making an effort on things that began to drive me crazy to try to explain this to my significant other. He took it as it is over, being the stubborn individual he is, he walked out. I then felt a sense of freedom, as if I had been hiding who I really am to fit into someone else’s world. I am ghetto at heart. I crave excitement and adventure. I live for the underdog, and love meeting new people. The boyfriend was the complete opposite. So how did we make it work for so long? Yuppie and conservative, sincere and sweet, my inner-self has been subsided long enough. If it was my decision I would be covered in INK, yet he hates tattoos. The only thing holding me back is this professional career that would never last if I was completely covered in INK.

I have been hiding deep within perhaps in fear of loss. I lost the one person I really connected with, and I thought that was a once in a life-time deal. I guess maybe this is a good thing. I mean who knows they met the one when they are 10 years old. I had nothing to compare him to. Rarely does it ever last that long, unless you can be friends through everything. Now that we are older and know what we do not like, it somehow always comes back to that first kiss, that first moment, and he is always the person standing behind that thought. I guess now I realize how amazing he was or is and I just didn’t know because I had nothing to compare him to. Sad that it had to happen this way, but then again if it didn’t I may have never met Griff and that is something I could never live without.

I looked into his eyes. Even though he isn’t the super skinny boy I once knew he is the same person and it is his eyes that tell me so. I never believed in such talk, yet when I am with him everything seems perfect. I never want to leave, and that is how it should be. Unfortunately, when with the boyfriend I was always preoccupied and never really into him like that. I look back and even though I am mad because he doesn’t act a certain way after 3 years I really have to stop and consider, well did he EVER act that way. Were we ever that RAWR? I mean it is one thing to LOSE the spark, but it is something entirely different if we were never RAWR to begin with…? That is something that I think most people do not consider when they miss someone or want things to change. I cannot change him nor make myself spark with him, it just happens and not sure why it happens so easily with the friend but it works.

My breaking point

When no one is around, who do I crave most? If I was to leave for a moment, who would I think about first?

I contemplate if there is not such thing as a perfect mate let alone a perfect relationship. It takes two to work at something perfect. I may not magically fit into the life of another, but if he is worth it I will work to make my mark. I just contemplate as to whether I want to change my mind.

Either way I know there was obviously something that was not right, yet how do we fix it to make it right? Is there a moment that passes and it is too late to fix what once was. It will never be the SAME, but obviously the SAME is why I left to begin with. It will either be better or worse. Is he worth it to find out for better or worse? Somethings you can change or fix and other things will never change. A word of advice from an elder suggests that the habits I dislike now will only intensify once we are married. They will magnify by hundreds over years of time. I have to decide if these things bother me so much that I will not be able to live with them for a really long time. I wonder if habits can be changed without changing the person.

A messy person can become a clean person? A smelly person can become a fragrant person? A lazy person can become more active? A quiet boyfriend can become a romantic? I wonder when it will become too much. I listen to the best friend complain about the x-wife and how he never wanted to get married to start with. Doomed from the beginning? As she changed his life he sat and allowed it all, at what point was it the final straw? When is your breaking point?

I don't know my breaking point? I guess somewhere between best friend and lack of energy. Have I changed so much that I require more than previously? Did he regress rather than progress forward? Perhaps our fire has burnt out, why then has the spark of the best friend lasted so long?