The poison I am addicted to

Monday madness! It is cold and damp. Flash Flood warnings have been issued since Friday, yet I have not seen a drop of rain. I want thunderstorms and lightening to fill the skies and there is nothing.

I think I inhaled too much paint this weekend. As the entire inside of the house was painted I sat and breathed in all the toxic fumes. I did absolutely nothing besides spend money on useless items. I saw the X for dinner on Sunday night. He said he would have me over to cook dinner. It was awkward and strange. He made a salad, appetizers, and dinner for me as he ate nothing. I thought he was going to actually cook, but it was all pre-frozen heated up dinners. I know he tried but it seemed like a half way attempt to be romantic or deemed as a nice gesture. I thought it was really strange having him watch me eat. Then we sat on the couch to watch ESPN. I was annoyed. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was bored. I could not stop thinking about what was missing, yet I wished it wasn’t. If I could make myself fall in love with someone, if I could make chemistry, he would be perfect. Unfortunately, my chemistry lies with the best friend who is anything but him. The best friend is trouble with many other interesting characteristics.

The best friend called Saturday morning which was surprising since he had his kids. He wanted me to come over. I was not sure what to say. His kids were going to be down for a nap for two hours and he said he would take that time to nap as well, yet wanted me to come over. I felt strange. I actually did not go over there, now I think he is bitter at that since he hasn’t called since. I figured I would try last night and he never answered. I am not sure how or what to do anymore. I go back and forth between the X and the best friend every other moment, yet what if neither of them are what I want. The X is a great guy then the best friend is just the best friend probably not the better choice of the two, yet I am drawn towards him. I always have been drawn to him. The chemistry is so strong its knee bending, mind altering, and that was what I complained about not having in my previous relationship, yet is that enough? Does the chemistry die and you are eft with a friend? For the last 16 years he has made my knees buckle, my heart spin, and my soul shake, but will it last into our adulthood? A scarier thought, does he feel the same passion I know deep within? I have come to realization that he is my poison…

We are at the point of no return. Either this time it will work, or it will be nothing more than the past. I hate to think we could never go back to the friendships we had when we were younger, but adults, men and women, do not have those types of relationships. It was fun while it lasted, but it will never be what it once was unless we are a couple. Are we a couple? Could we even be a couple? I contemplate that at moments when he says ‘my girlfriend’ if he is serious or testing it out. I have not figured out my place in his heart or his world and wonder if even he has. Perhaps he takes me for granted for always being there in the past, and maybe that is my fault. Either way I need to figure out what I want and fight for it. The problem is I do not know what to fight for….