First Kiss

I spoke to the best friend about this ignoring factor. He had no idea he was doing it. Possibly it could get better. He said he sucks at relationships. Does this mean we are in a relationship? I paused, a little frightened at what any of that could me when he asked me to come over. Excited yet nervous I agreed. He opened the door and I walked in, not even before he closed the door he kissed me. I felt as if I was being pulled towards him, my knees went weak, my heart was his, and we proceeded to make out in the front entry way. The passion I have been craving my whole entire life, has been right in front of me this whole entire time. Did I secretly know this and in my subconscious somewhere I was trying to find him in everyone else? I began to hear someone talking and talking in the distant, I looked up remembering I was on the phone when I walked in and she had been talking the whole time. Laughing we separated and I ended the conversation. It seems almost as every kiss is a first kiss and makes me weak as if I cannot get enough. I am addicted.

Amazed at how he can make my whole world spin a complete different direction, I stared as he stood staring back. I did not know what to say. The idea was to ask about the future, is he serious? Is he real? Will this ever work? Yet, when I was standing in front of him nothing else mattered.

Part of me wondered if the X and I could work things out, but in moments like these I really contemplate what I am doing. Do I really want to work it out? I spoke to the best friends boy, he adores me, thinks I am great only he does not see the best friend being a constant or a permanent in my life. Somewhere deep inside I want to argue with him, tell him he is wrong but hat fear lingers closer than even I care to admit. He said he has always hoped in the back of his mind that we were meant for each other or we would one day find out ways back to each other, but sad enough he doesn’t see it. The other best friend says similar words as he tells me not to get too invested for fear I will be the one hurt. They care enough to be honest or do they know more than me? Speak to him about what he wants and you shall know, but does he even know what he wants?

The phone rang and it was suppose to be a friend yet it was a strange mans voice. The bartender from the previous night was calling because he wanted to see my face at his bar. The friend went to see him before he took 5 weeks off. Disappointment as he said he thought we were going to hit it off. Strange as I did not get that feeling when meeting him, but was interested. He was disappointed to hear I had other plans, but wanted to say Hi. I didn’t know how to take that as I contemplated leaving and meeting up. I never would have left, but at least the thought was there.

Weak in the heart, I wonder if I am only setting myself up for heartbreak. I love him more than he loves me. I want something that maybe isn’t there. Do I secretly wish to change him? Even more feared by change than before is he damaged to the point of no return? I contemplate this when I make plans with another, wondering what I am doing and what I really want.