my stupid girl moment

I am a stupid girl stuck in a typical girl situation... What is wrong with me?? What is it about us girls that we are somehow programmed to crave the 'bad boy' and walk all over the 'good guy'. I know the best friend is the bad boy mothers warn their children to stay away from, and the X is the perfect guy who every mother wishes their daughters would marry.... Then there is ME who of course dates them both!

I cannot decide what I want! Part of me wants to be reckless and wild with the best friend. I am drawn to him. Everyone tells me he is not forever, it will not last, but I still am drawn towards him. As if in my mind I am trying to argue a reason as to why they are wrong. I know that he is trouble, it will never work, yet part of me hopes that even I am wrong. A piece of me wants to settle down with the best friend. More like I want him to want to settle down with me, but what in the world makes me think the bad boy best friend is ever going to change for me. Is it that we think we are so special that they will realize it too, and change into a perfect mold of what we think we want. What happens when they do change, do we realize that is not who or what we wanted? Take the X wife for instant she tried and tried to get him to change, finally he does and she leaves... Now is he tainted goods, damaged from ever really trusting anyone again?

The X is sad. He lacks the confidence to fight for me he just pouts instead. People crave excitement and entertainment rather than sleep and darkness or tears. Either way I think I am not meant for either one, which irritates me to all pieces after realizing how much time I have wasted on both of them.

Last night at the bar, I finally made it to a hang out with a friend. I really like this girl. She is a new friend but lives close. She is training to be an MMA fighter which is really exciting. Anyhow we met some interesting fellows at the bar. One was really pretty, the bar tender. He wants us to come back tonight. Tempted to quit all relationships currently on hold and run with my arms up in the air as if I do not know what to even fight for let alone who to fight for... then part of me misses each of them in their own disturbing ways. We shall see if I make it back to the bar, but it was interesting...

On a sadder note, the uncle is sick in the hospital. He may have prostate cancer and who knows what is going to happen. I believe he has been having problems for quite some time now, but not to this extreme. They said he went to a male clinic. I have no idea what that means or if that is a good or bad except it had been 3 hours and there was no word. I feel for my dad. I just pray it is minor and my uncle makes it through this.