Doubt may linger close

Today was suppose to be a busy morning, and again I sit without anything much on my plate. I really should not complain. I get paid to sit at home.

I applied for another yoga position. I am excited. Last nights class went extremely well. When in doubt or frustrated always resort back to what you know. Since I did not have time to elaborate on a specific class focus or sequence, we went back to the sun salutations and power yoga that I am well familiar with. The class went very well, and I was glad because this week has been difficult with the stress of making gifts on time.

The frustration builds and builds until one day I may explode. Yesterday was the beginning of that day. Everything bothered me. I am a very nice person, I never get mad, and even when I do no one ever knows it. Just recently I have felt taken advantage of as if the kind gesture is already assumed. Instead of asking me to help I am suppose to help.

Lately it has been hidden in the back of my mind that perhaps I am not happy with where my life is headed. The boyfriend speaks of marriage and engagement. The family plans for a wedding, and I am lingering somewhere between lost and disbelief. Does one have jitters or anxiety about getting married because it is a drastic change, or is it possible doubt that clutters the heart disguised as anxiety?

I dare not speak these words aloud for what if they are real. I contemplate these thoughts as I listen to my best friend discuss his divorce. After 2 1/2 years they are no longer together. A stalker she has become as she prank calls my phone. Knowing him since I was 6 years old, and her since we were in high school many already predicted the out come. 2 children later I contemplate if that will be me in 5 years. I listen as he speaks of regret, sadness, doubt, and loss of identity. Did he not believe it was forever when he married? I asked the questions as he said no. He realizes now he never loved her, it was a mother figure for his children. Do people still get excited and giddy over loved ones or are we searching for something different than when we were 14 years old.

I thought that I knew what I was doing and that my love was strong enough, but am I willing to put up with his habits for the rest of my life? As the days get longer I realize "rest of my life" is longer than it sounds, and perhaps I am agitated too quickly for it to work.

As I speak of the best friend he becomes quiet. He hates the thought of a man best friend. I wonder if meeting him would change the insecurities he holds, then I consider that it could possibly make them worse. Do I not want them to meet because of how I feel? In the back of my mind I fear if they ever met. When around the best friend I feel different than with the boyfriend. Is that fair? I never thought anything of the two until the invite for him to hang out with us. I did not want him to hang out with us, why? Do I act different around him that I would not want my boyfriend to witness?

Sitting in a crowded restaurant surrounded by acquaintances, yet alone in my own world I looked at my phone. A text message from the best friend "You are my favorite" read the message. What would this mean? What do I say back as my heart pounded faster and faster. Have I secretly been waiting for this moment consciously or even subconsciously? I know my best friend and understand after the long fights and new crazy x he clings for comfort in familiarity, but again will I disappear into the air when the next relationship starts?

Either way I am uncomfortable in my own life. I want change. I just have not decided if it is my life entirely, my work, my location, or my boyfriend. The doubt is killing me inside and no one seems to understand or can make that decision for me. Change is always something I crave when too in depth in a situation. I feel cluttered almost as if I am suffocating in the attention of him and his mother. Late from class, I decided to continue my own personal practice after teaching for an hour. 30 minutes late I arrived to their house. His mother called my mother concerned, my boyfriend cranky and bitter as I walked into the room. Do I not require any space? Am I not an adult? I feel the walls closing in on me as if I cannot control what is happening to me? Is it me or is it them? What will I do? I consider the possibilities of change and contemplate couples counseling. If we are two different to connect is this possible to find out sooner than later. Do I not want to be my best friend in 5 years, or is that the fate I am predicting on myself? Then I contemplate the hidden thought of instead of being my best friend in 5 years am I subconciously holding a desire to be with my best friend in the future, and in turn destroying my current relationship with doubt?