Lurking emotions

Yesterday I went to visit the friend. She is practically my only female friend these days. I tend to flake off and disappear at times in commitment. She complained about doing the same. In a similar situation she lives with the boyfriend and misses her own space. I stay with the boyfriend pushing further and further away as we get close.

I hear that according to the England Medical Journal, college girls drink, party, stalk bars looking for that hook up just as much as the guys do. So for everyone who thinks men are pigs, perhaps it isn't men but the men in your life.

I am not so innocent myself, but perhaps it is seen as so because women are better at hiding things. She complained about missing the single life, stalking the bars, the random hook ups, flirting, and then we wondered if we were meant for one single person. I felt as if she was speaking the words that were hiding in the back of my mind screaming to get out. She felt what I felt, is this normal or are we so similar that we both think and feel alike? There are those people who mesh well together, are born to be wives and mothers, then I wonder if there are people more like me and my friend. People that crave intense situations, passion, romance, yet mystery, and variety. Does that mean we will eventually settle down? If we do settle too early will that in turn destroy our passion and desire lurking beneath the surface? Does he even realize how social one is, when he sits day after day in front of the TV? Strange how ones desire for laziness can in turn bring another closer and closer as if it is contagious.

Perhaps we struggle with what men have been struggling with for so long. Commitment? Not as if you can put the love or relationship on hold until you are ready. I know deep within that he is forever, but why do I want more now as if forever will never come, or just isn't today.

I think of him and contemplate how I can love him so much, yet still want to explore more. Does that even work? IS that what commitment is? Should we not be so committed if we are not married? Am I lacking my own personal space and crave air fresh clean air? When I enter his house I feel the walls moving closer to my body as if it is trying to lock me in. The moment I leave I feel free and different, is that psychological or what?

My ultimate thought needs to be answered, do I want to be free, or do I simply want another? If I want another why I am I still here, in fear that it would never work? Or do I just want an excuse to leave? So many questions in my head, yet no one is there to answer them. Why, must I contemplate all of this so soon. He is not the wrong person, I am just in the wrong state of mind. So I think... That question must be answered before I can answer the next. I am searching for answers, clues, keys, thoughts, understandings that he is the right person. How would I know or could I tell? My parents have been married for 28 years and they have a strong marriage, but they do had nervous moments in the beginning. How does one determine the difference? Once decided he is my one, will the commitment fears will melt away, or be addressed at a later state in time?

After speaking with the friend, I could not help but call the best friend. Listening to him play with his children I contemplated what I wanted. Do I want a lifestyle of kids and responsibility? I speak of commitment and suffocation, yet I move closer and closer to loads of responsibility the closer I get to him. I am stuck in the past, my emotions of 15 years ago are clouding my judgements of today. How strong is one emotion or feeling that could be first felt 15 years ago, that it could alter my decisions of now? I always listened to the thoughts that your first love never dies, perhaps that is why you should not be friends later in adult life.