Love is blind

World's longest meeting ever has caused me to seek other sources of entertainment. I hate this phone. It has no mute, no speaker, no headset, and it is the most uncomfortable thing. I just sit with a crooked neck for hours.

I have decided I love my boyfriend, yet the worldly distractions could actually cloud my emotions and cause for bad judgement. The hardest part he does not realize the interference with my emotions is pushing us over the edge. He is adorable in the sense that he is clueless, but stupid for the fact that he could potentially lose me. Does he not want to see this happening, or does he really not notice?

I went out with the best friend again. I happened to be right by his house which isn't that rare considering I live a mile from him and 35 miles from my boyfriend. After going to dinner with my parents, we went to cash his check at the nearest casino and then went to sushi. I don't know what exactly I want. He is my best friend, but for what reason? Simply because I have known him almost my whole life, or is there an underlying, unspoken emotional bond or attachment to him that I try not to admit? While driving he spoke to a friend, and said I am with my girl everything will be okay. I suddenly felt as if our relationship went from undefined friends to dating. Without physical contact could we potentially be dating by hanging out on a regular basis? I didn't know how to respond, but I felt my heart pounding. Pounding because I love my boyfriend, yet racing because of some other reason I have yet to discover.

During dinner he spoke of the past. I could sense he was thinking of emotional times which could also cloud judgements in the present. Do we act on emotions in the past while living in the present? How do we distinguish between the two? Then again if they are still present how did they last so long?

Either way before I decide on my future I must determine my present and the added pressure or baggage of my boyfriends environment is the first to be changed. Either it changes or I will have to find some courage to venture out on my own. He deserves a chance to fix things to make it work, yet I am disturbed that he doesn't notice that I am upset or unhappy. Even the dads wife who I hardly ever see or speak to understood immediately asking questions. The best friend knew right away things were not right. How does the person closest to me not see it? Is he blinded by love, emotion, desire, or does he not care to notice because it does not effect him yet?

Love is blind, yet afterwards we contemplate how we could have been so blinded by our surroundings. Is it my job as the unhappy girlfriend to speak out and tell him to pay attention or notice, or is it his job as the loving boyfriend to notice that I am pulling away and acting distant?